Inside and out
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [IP - Ch. 11] Akira is having the hardest time waking up. Is it Hikaru's fault? (Partly.) [aki x hi pairing]
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine.  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Prologue - Intense eyes.  
  
"You baka~! If you stay out here, you'll catch a cold!"   
  
Hikaru shouted at me as soon as he found me standing at one corner out of the apartment complex. I looked up at the dark, cloudy sky, which was pouring all over me. I began to sneeze, but he sighed and shrugged his shoulder as he came over to me with an umbrella.  
  
"You don't have to walk out on me, you know," he told me, with a tinge of annoyance in his voice.   
  
I popped another vein and refused to look at him or head towards that sanctuary of an umbrella. I stood there with my arms crossed.  
  
I was going to stand my ground.  
  
He sighed as he put a warm coat over me. It was his favorite black winter one.  
  
"Hikaru..." I thought to myself, but I still refused to budge.   
  
He was always dumb like that. And then, he'd do something to make me smile even more, so it negated his prior action. He seemed to balance his extreme nature that way.  
  
I hated him and loved him for it.  
  
"I understand about the meal not being as great as it could be..." I closed my eyes hard, trying my best for a good lie, er, EXPLANATION for why I didn't-  
  
"It's a complicated thing to do, isn't it?" he said with a pout as he swung from side to side in front of me. He blinked his eyes at me.  
  
He KNEW I hated it when he gave me puppy dog eyes~! He knew very well I went nuts whenever he acted oblivious.  
  
I gave him another sighe with a shake of my head. I instantly blushed red all over again. "You say it so casually, it's scary, Hikaru."  
  
I don't think he's ever heard the word tact.   
  
As I was becoming calm once more, I took a step towards him.  
  
Looking to one side, Hikaru then blushed a bit as he cleared his throat. "Maybe we shouldn't try that tonight."  
  
Ever since he had taken me in the Yuugen, he never could seem to think of anything else except * ahem * that, Go, and myself in the list of things that ran through his head.  
  
As we walked back to the apartment, he said, "So, you're not mad at me anymore?"  
  
I didn't say anything as we went through the entrance and waited in front of the elevator. The elevator doors opened and closed.  
  
Distracting myself, I looked at the ascending numbers. "I can't believe I always give in."  
  
"You just don't get it, do you, Shindou?" I said to him as I pulled his sleeve with a smirk on my lips, leading him back to the apartment after the elevator opened before us.  
  
His hopeful eyes looked at me and smiled because I only called him Shindou when I was serious.  
  
Then, I whispered into his ear, "I give you an inch, you want a whole three-thousand kilometers."  
  
He gave me a questioning look. I shook my head. "Don't think too much about it or else you'll hurt your head."  
  
When I went to the bedroom to change my clothes, Hikaru pushed me onto the bed.   
  
"My clothes are wet, Hikaru!"  
  
"That's okay," he answered with a smile as he looked down at me.  
  
I could never say 'no' to these eyes.   
  
They're so intense I couldn't breathe.  
  
He scolded me, "I can't believe you were protesting earlier."  
  
"Well, I spoil you and then you take and take and take!" I said with an annoyed voice.  
  
He started to protest, "There you go again getting mad at me-Mmm..."  
  
I began to kiss him and pulled him towards me.   
  
It's the only way to make you shut up, Shindou. That's why.   
  
At that moment, he began to undress me and I couldn't escape any longer...  
  
As the sweat poured to either side of my face and onto the sheets, I closed my eyes in pain. I couldn't shout out and all the more, he kissed me. I breathed into his ear as I held onto the headboard.  
  
"Shindou..." I kept on saying into his ear tirelessly.  
  
"I love the way you say my name."  
  
I couldn't ever understand why he always felt insecure about that. Why did he always have that tone whenever he thought I wasn't paying attention to him?  
  
I can't understand you, Hikaru.  
  
I can't see through you, Shindou-san.  
  
Never in a million years would I have imagined that after you beat me so many years ago, I would be here. Still wondering if I have all of you with me.  
  
But when I looked at those bright eyes in front of me, I can't help but think what would life be without you.  
  
To the world, we were rivals.  
  
But when we were in front of each other, we couldn't figure out where we stood.  
  
All we knew was that we couldn't live without one another.  
  
And so, I let you take all that you can.  
  
"Shindou…" I said again to his ear and I grabbed onto the board even more.  
  
"Akira…don't ever go too far where I can't follow you."  
  
I was shocked. He never said this before…  
  
Before I could answer him, he kissed me and pressed even harder until I couldn't do anything but scream.  
  
His desparate voice made things more painful.  
  
Inside my head and outside of my heart.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
author's notes: An intense Akira and Hikaru. That's how I've always seen them, and yet I hope to add more dimensions to their relationship with this short multi-chap. The other one will be more serious, so I need a breather 'til then. 


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine.  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 1 - shinpai shinai de. (don't worry.)  
  
It all started from nothing.   
  
And then, now, it had become something very, very large. Maybe it shouldn't have become that way.   
  
I glanced back at him again as I walked out of the door. Holding the knob with my right hand, I wondered if this was my fault. And when he realized where we were going too, he fell in love as hard as I did?  
  
Or did he know it first without really noticing it?  
  
These were things you couldn't really predict in life.  
  
You could fall in love with so many people and at so many different times. You couldn't control who you fell in love with, but what you did about it.  
  
I wondered if I had done the right thing to be so insistent...  
  
As I closed the door behind me, I grabbed a hold of my braid. Looking at my long hair, I wondered if there were other eighteen-year-olds that had hair as long as mine.   
  
He wouldn't ever let me cut it, that's why.  
  
"Aki, don't cut your hair," he told me as he took a hold of it in his hands. With a chuckle, he put his face in front of mine suddenly and gave me a big grin. "I don't think I could ever recognize Touya Akira without his weird hair."  
  
"Weird?" I blink at him, already raring to go at the slight insult.  
  
Still holding onto my hair, Hikaru laughed even more. "If you take it that way, then I'll have to make a bet with you."  
  
"Over hair?" I sigh in exasperation. He always liked to compete that way also.  
  
"Yes. Little by little I will take you," he said to me as the wind blew past us.  
  
Giving him an annoyed, defiant look, I said, "And I wonder what you mean by that..."  
  
Even more so, he caught me off-guard as he leaned over to whisper, "So don't ever cut your hair, Aki."  
  
"What do I get in exchange?" I boldly asked him.   
  
The wind had died and his face suddenly changed to a serious one. With determined and serious eyes, he told me, "My soul."  
  
It was short and it was simple.  
  
I didn't understand the implications or how deeply he meant by it, but he seemed very troubled by it at the same time. He believed in his own words and I forgave them just as much.  
  
"What-" I was about to say, but he countered by interrupting with, "You've done something very wrong to me, Aki."  
  
I blink at him, lost in his words and his eyes.  
  
I've always been in love with the way he called me 'Aki'. I wouldn't let anyone else call me that.  
  
With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair while looking up to the cloudy sky. "I have to compete against everything."  
  
But before he could explain that, he tugged on my sleeve and we went into the Go Institute for our matches.  
  
That was a year ago today.  
  
Did you remember that Hikaru? Could you possibly have imagined how hard it was all these years?   
  
It took me three years to convince you.  
  
And until now, there's something hanging over us.  
  
It was like a sheet put in front of me. Only, it wasn't a sheet at all. It was an illuminated wall of white with you on the other side, knowing the answer to the riddle.  
  
"You have to get through. Not around."  
  
Today, you were tugging on my sleeve saying, "You're always so busy, and my schedule isn't any better."  
  
"Why don't you just live with me, Hikaru?" I slipped into the conversation.   
  
Instead of giving me an answer, you avoided it. Strangely, in a way, I was a bit relieved.   
  
You jumped me, wanting to try something new in bed.  
  
I wondered what it was that kept you away from me because I knew very well what was the obstacle, or rather, the obstacles, that stood in our way. You wouldn't have thought of external circumstances, so I knew it was inside of you. Buried way deep.  
  
I was mad and upset at the unspoken answer and the overzealous attitude you gave to sex. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, but I felt more far away from you then closer.  
  
I tried to kiss you to make you quiet, but it was also to calm down something deep inside your soul.  
  
A part of you only I could touch.  
  
I made some coffee and sat on the kitchen table with my arms on the table. As I stared out the window, it continued to rain relentlessly. It was like a woman crying until she couldn't do anything but cry. I didn't know why I thought of that all of a sudden, but it seemed appropriate.  
  
"Your father and you. Always thinking of Go," my mother had again repeated when I visited her the other day.  
  
I laughed because this time, I had 'Hikaru' stamped on my brain and wanting to come out of my lips, but I dared not say a word.  
  
Mother was happy to see me so cheerful. "You've changed," she said. "I'm glad you're back to yourself again."  
  
"Back to myself?" I asked with my eyebrows raised.  
  
"You're relaxed again. You have that bright look too, like when you were little."  
  
"I don't understand, Mother."  
  
She shook her head. "It's a mom thing. Just go to the Go salon before Hikaru-san and you fight all over again."  
  
Drinking my tea and putting my cup on the table, I sighed. "No matter what, we always fight."  
  
"Ichikawa-san tells me that you've not been getting along lately."  
  
"He doesn't get the concepts I tell him."  
  
As I got up to leave, she put her hand on my head. "Akira, I'm so happy you've found someone to become friends with."  
  
At that, she let go and pushed me out the door. "Have fun!"  
  
This was one of the few times that my mother was actually smiling in relation to Go.  
  
I really wondered when competition became such obsessive affection...  
  
It was as childish as our spirits trying to battle each other on the Go board...  
  
"Hikaru..." I sighed as I took a sip of my coffee and set the cup down with a tap. Looking at the rain fall harder and harder, I finished, "...how long can we keep this up?"  
  
We're still fighting each other.  
  
We're still fighting something deep inside of us.  
  
And even when we look at each other, was that enough to get us through?  
  
Or were we going to fall apart because we think of one another too much?  
  
I didn't know any of these answers.  
  
The questions, the same as they had been years ago, were still the same.  
  
Only this time, instead of how to get you to get to me…  
  
I was wondering how to keep you.  
  
Fighting with all I've got.  
  
Because no matter how intense we were, there was something telling me that you wouldn't stay with me forever. Was that how life was supposed to be?  
  
At that moment, Hikaru came into the kitchen and sighed at me. Putting his hand sleepily over his eyes, he opened his mouth to say, "Aki, what are you worrying for?"  
  
He could read me so well with one look.  
  
But before I could give a reason or try to protest against his single comment, he walked over to me and lifted me into his arms. Then, he sighed again. "Stop giving me that look! It's annoying!"  
  
Hikaru always got mad, but I knew that he wasn't annoyed at all. He was frustrated too.  
  
  
  
I hugged him back as he carried me back to bed.  
  
Then, in a soft voice, he pleaded, "Aki...please stop worrying...just tell me what's on your mind then it'll save both of our sanities."  
  
I held my breath for a moment.  
  
I didn't know what to say.  
  
I didn't know how to answer you, Hikaru.  
  
Why was it that I could plan so much in my head but I could't even say one word about how I felt about anything?  
  
People felt so much and words were so useless at the most important times.  
  
I just grabbed onto his shirt with my fingers as we silently walked into the room.  
  
"How am I supposed to understand when you don't explain anything to me?" He whispered into my ear warmly as he held me before placing me on the bed.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: After much contemplation, I have just decided to do this as a whole fic instead of splitting it into two fics that are related. I somehow found a way for everything to work together, therefore, this is just going to be a multi-chap instead. On the other hand, I will try a lot of new things and will jump back and forth. So if it gets too confusing, just be sure to pop me a question. ^_^   
  
I will not try to put too many 'techniques' into the story or else it will be too hard for me to write it, though. 


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine. Gundam Wing isn't either.  
  
Inside and out  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 2 - chaos vs. tranquility  
  
I woke up because my naked body was cold. Hikaru's once _again_ taken the covers, hasn't he?!  
  
"Shindou..." I grumbled with too much familiarity with this scolding tone.   
  
I reached out my hand towards his side of the bed with a groan. He had slept in my bed so much it wasn't even mine anymore!  
  
Not that I minded too much, but still...  
  
As I reached out, I grabbed the sheets, but they didn't seem to have the feel I expected. I let go of them and I patted the spot where Hikaru should have been.  
  
Where he should have been!!  
  
I blinked my eyes as my head registered the fact that it's cold.  
  
"You know I hate it when you leave me alone..." I whispered to myself, still too proud to admit that my possessiveness over him wasn't a healthy rivalry after all.  
  
It was simply that he was mine since the day he defeated me.  
  
I might as well as have been told that I had been cursed for all the days of my existence. I sometimes regretted in a joke about why I even thought about pulling him into the world of the pros. If it meant that all we ever did was fight, then what was the point of being together?  
  
Weren't we driving one another apart that way?  
  
Somehow, it did. And somehow, in the end, it worked out also.  
  
But, at the end of everything, I couldn't let go.  
  
Go took most of my life, but you, Hikaru-  
  
"Oujisama! Oujisama!" someone said as soon as they entered the room. "Okimasu!"  
  
I heard the sound of the curtains being pushed to their respective sides, but I refused to get up. "Hikaru, why are you always so genki in the morning?"  
  
I groaned into my pillow while holding it over my head.  
  
"Hikaru, you-" I stopped and realized that it wasn't Hikaru's voice at all.  
  
And it was then a woman with formal kimono wear stood at the side of my bed and smiled at me. "Oujisama, ohayou gozaimasu!"  
  
My eyes looked sleepily from side to side as I took the pillow off my head. I thought I was dreaming when I saw myself in my room that seemed as if it weren't. It seemed to be as if he were in a palace.  
  
Everything looked so archaic, but looked so modern too.  
  
The only way I could have described it was that it was a mix of the past and present.  
  
This definitely had to be a dream...  
  
...or at least that was what I _hoped_ it was...  
  
"Ow," I said as my arm throbbed in mild irritation at being pinched.  
  
Calmly, I looked at the girl and sighed. I didn't know what was going or if this was a joke, but if someone didn't tell me where Hikaru was, I was going to be VERY grumpy.  
  
I was cordial, indifferent, and bearable most of the time, but put Hikaru into the picture and all my calm thoughts were as damned to the Lotus Pond as that Relena in Gundam Wing was to Heero. (I personally believed he was secretly dating Duo, but that was just my opinion. Anyway...)  
  
"Hikaru." I said his name aloud as I asked, "Where is Hikaru?"  
  
"Hikaru...sama?" The girl blinked at me with a confused face as she told me, "There is no Hikaru-sama here."  
  
I nodded my head as I looked at her with my eyebrows touching one another.   
  
How many times did I have to repeat myself?!  
  
"Yes...I must be drunk..." I tried to reason to myself as I sweatdropped and sat up in my bed. I didn't feel like explaining anything relating to my nakedness especially since I had drunk so much the night before 'Shindou-sama' tried one of his-Never mind.  
  
Just thinking about it made me blush. He totally took advantage of my vulnerable state.   
  
Damn that rival of mine...  
  
But that was beside the point.  
  
Whether this was a dream or a joke, I wasn't having fun either way.  
  
I looked around sleepily as I rubbed my eyes.  
  
The servant called Maya called another girl named Ari into the room. She shook her head as she folded her hands tightly. "Please calm down, Oujisama. There really is no one by the name of Hikaru-sama."  
  
Getting up immediately, I pulled my white sheets to wrap around my waist as I looked at the two servants who had put their eyes down to the floor. I sighed as I said, "Please tell father that I will be going out."  
  
"But Oujisama, you have..." Maya said as she glanced at Ari in desparation. "...an omiai today. Miyako-sama is coming to visit you today."  
  
I shook my head as I stubbornly said, "I will leave like _this_ if I do not have my way. No one will stop me from leaving today."  
  
They bowed as they both left my room and I was left there to look at the walls of the room. Then, I looked at the bed.  
  
This had to be a dream. Why couldn't I wake up?   
  
Dammit, usually I was much better about this.  
  
I sweatdropped. I never used to swear until he came into my life. I sighed even more.  
  
How could I have loved such rowdiness???  
  
I dressed up and I ordered Maya and Ari to leave me alone.  
  
"But we must come with you, Oujisama!" Maya protested as she sighed with exasperation.   
  
"No." With that final word, I left the house, despite everyone's chagrin rising behind me.  
  
When I stepped outside, I felt a wave of relief. It was as comforting as the wind that was passing.   
  
I felt so constrained in that household I almost couldn't breathe.  
  
Wandering the narrow streets among the marketplace, which was still Tokyo weirdly, I leaned my head forward to cover my face a bit. I was searching for him.  
  
Hikaru _had_ to be here.  
  
I could feel him around what felt to be multitudes of people.   
  
Where was he though?!  
  
In the end, I couldn't find him anywhere no matter how hard I tried.  
  
It reminded me of the time he didn't come to the Wakajishisen. I was so upset that I pounded my hand on the wall. Maybe his friend Waya, who was standing behind me, thought I was doing it out of Hikaru not showing up.  
  
It was more than that.  
  
Go didn't mean anything without him.  
  
I had learned that by then, even though Hikaru didn't quite think of it like that.  
  
And when he said he wasn't going to play Go anymore, I freaked out. That's why I had shouted at him.  
  
I wouldn't be able to find you if you didn't play Go, Hikaru.  
  
Without it, I couldn't find you.  
  
I didn't know why that was, but I knew that the answers laid there.  
  
Filled with more determination, I desparately wandered over to a flowing river and sat down on the grass. Sighing, I looked at my reflection.  
  
I looked a bit older than seventeen, which I thought was pretty strange. Usually, people didn't dream that they were older, but of their own age.  
  
My hair was longer and it touched half of my back. The tips were touching the water because I was leaning in too close.  
  
"Hey! HEY!" someone called to me, but then someone's hands pulled me backwards.  
  
"That's a pretty lame way to commit suicide!" The boy sighed in relief.   
  
As I turned around, my face instantly lit up as I heard Hikaru's voice.  
  
There was no doubt about it!  
  
With no discretion and relief encompassing every part of my heart, I wrapped my arms around him. "Hikaru! Where did you go, Hikaru?!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Then, I pulled away as I shook his shoulders with my shaking hands. "Why did you worry me?! Did you think it was funny to leave me?!"  
  
Pushing himself from me, he shook his head as he looked at me with horrified eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about!"  
  
His bangs were violet?  
  
"Hikaru, why is your hair violet?"  
  
Then, I blinked at him and saw that he had violet eyes also.  
  
At that, the person with Hikaru's face shouted, "My brother's name is Hikaru. My name is Sai."  
  
With frustration, he added as he crossed his arms, "Maybe I should have left you alone to kill yourself, you weirdo."  
  
I looked at him incredulously. I didn't know if I was more hurt at the fact that it wasn't 'him' or the fact that he had insulted me.  
  
With much uncertainty, I repeated his name to myself. "Sai?"  
  
Wasn't that the name of the famous Internet go player my father and I had lost to?  
  
"Please take me to your brother," I said with a desparate, but calm tone.  
  
With eyes that I couldn't read, he told me, "You can't, Oujisama."  
  
Looking at him incredulously, I asked, "Why can't I?"  
  
"He isn't here anymore."  
  
It shocked me more when he looked at me with angry eyes, telling me as if I were the cause of it.  
  
My face went pale.  
  
And my heart cringed and twisted itself within me.  
  
You could have taken anything from me...  
  
Even my life...  
  
...but not Hikaru...  
  
Never Hikaru...  
  
It equated to the same thing to me...  
  
That much I knew the moment he stepped out of the Go salon that day five years ago...  
  
His chaos disturbed my tranquility so seductively.  
  
I pursued him not because of defeat,  
  
But I wanted him to follow me.  
  
I didn't understand why I wanted him to.  
  
I just knew he had to.  
  
Because either way, I was going to make him remember me.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I don't know why, but I had this strange obsession with putting their dialogue in Japanese. I don't know why. Or maybe it's related to the fact that Akira turns me on whenever he shouts at Hikaru. It's just the way he shouts. @_@ So sexy! Never shows any emotion except when it comes to Hikaru.  
  
With this fic, I hope to go through a short spectrum of emotions before preceding towards the longer multi-chap of angst. You are so supportive and I had done only one part. ;_; I was so touched!  
  
Even though the first part was very strange...  
  
These days, like my Seishirou-centric fic called 'Rikoteki na yume' (selfish dream), I am aiming to evolve a different kind of story telling so that I can become more diverse. Hopefully, I will and chapters will be longer, even if it will take much more time to produce them. I am prolific, but trying very hard to produce quality fics (even if I am bad with grammar and proofreading) which have a set of different emotions from shocked to sad to happy to whatever as well as presenting different perspectives on life.  
  
I've been personally struggling with some things so these feelings and thoughts have splattered all over my fics more than ever before.  
  
oujisama - prince  
  
omiai - formal marriage meeting 


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Yui no monogatari janai yo!  
  
Inside and out  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 3 - todokenai. (can't reach.)  
  
I woke up when I heard a big commotion from outside the bedroom. Instantly, I woke up and ran to the kitchen in a panic.   
  
"Hikaru!" I shouted while pulling the sheets away from my body in a blink of an eye.  
  
When I came to a screech, I huffed and puffed to find that in the short time he had been awake, he had managed to mess up my small kitchen. Flour was everywhere. Egg shells lined one counter.   
  
There he stood in the middle of the flash tsunami of white powder as if he were chaos itself.   
  
As a response to my wide eyes, he patted his head and gave me an embarrassed laugh.  
  
"Shindou!" I shouted at him as he blushed at me even more.   
  
I closed my eyes as my hands turned into fists. But then when I opened my eyes again to look at him, I stood there and crossed my arms instead.   
  
With a cute, apologetic face, he told me, "I wanted to make you breakfast because you were still mad at me. It didn't help, did it?"   
  
I didn't say anything, but I couldn't help but shake my head with an amused face.   
  
My anger cracked into a small smile on my lips.  
  
"Was that it?" I asked him as I came through the mini flour piles on the wooden floor. "I wasn't mad at you anymore."  
  
"You were all serious when I woke up this morning and drinkin' coffee and all. And then I saw that you were having a bad dream, but I didn't want to wake you up because you told me never to do that." He sighed as he fidgeted in front of me. "And I know when Aki's mad at me 'cause he gets nightmares."  
  
Blink, blink.  
  
I wanted to slap my forehead at his stupidity and at the way I fell so easily into his grasps, even when he was doing it unintentionally.  
  
He then put his hand on a lid and lifted it up to reveal three normal looking pancakes. Next to them, I saw seven nearly-burned ones.  
  
I sighed again.  
  
How...  
  
How could I possibly stay mad at somebody like this?  
  
AH! You drive me crazy, Shindou Hikaru!!  
  
I put my hand over my mouth to laugh. "Why did you cook when you don't even do it at home?"  
  
"Because Aki's good at it." He winked at me as he began to smile back at me. "You always cook for me."  
  
Proudly, he presented me his pancakes.  
  
I shook my head and walked through the mess to the dining room table. I sat on my chair as Hikaru as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.   
  
Jii...  
  
He gave me an intense look as I ate a brown one.  
  
And he made a Western dish. The boy didn't even know how to cook Japanese dishes proficiently.  
  
But how could I possibly ever learn to hate someone so adorable?  
  
I couldn't fight it at all.  
  
I wasn't even going to try anymore.  
  
"How do you like it, Aki?" He smiled at me brightly as I just grinned sheepishly back at him, despite the fact that pancakes were bland. Thank goodness for the maple syrup he bought.  
  
No wonder your mother got irritated sometimes. You really were too genki in the morning.  
  
But that was of no consequence to me...  
  
I needed someone who's bright...  
  
Even though he's dense. ^^;;;  
  
I sliced some pieces and fed him as he continued to hold me. "I think they needed more sugar. What do you think?"  
  
"Yes, maybe just a tiny bit," I answered honestly.  
  
Talking about mundane things like this...  
  
I wanted to just talk with you like this...  
  
Funny how I've changed from someone who didn't care about anything but making my parents proud and playing Go to someone who cared about how his boyfriend's bangs fell over his face when he was asleep.  
  
Had I become weak? Yes...  
  
...but I had become so much stronger because of you too.  
  
That damn dream...  
  
At that moment, I sighed as finished my breakfast and leaned back so that I could feel his heart with my head. Silently, I closed my eyes and we were like that for a while.  
  
It probably pained him to be so quiet for such a 'long' period of time, but Hikaru had this habit of his heart pounding whenever he came next to me.  
  
Not that my own faded away...  
  
I just learned to control it...  
  
God, that was difficult.  
  
"What did you dream about?" Hikaru asked as he held me tighter.  
  
I couldn't tell if he was serious or if he was just asking to ask, but there was a bit of panic in his voice also.  
  
I found it kind of strange. It was a habit of his at the oddest of time. I never knew where it stemmed from.  
  
I kept my eyes closed as I felt his heart become more nervous.  
  
"I dreamt that I was a prince in some kind of mixed time. It was like ancient times mixed with modern Tokyo. It was really weird."  
  
"Then why were you calling my name, Aki?"  
  
I jolted a bit. I wasn't aware that I talked aloud when I slept. Maybe because it was that powerful and made me so confused inside.  
  
But I didn't hesitate to answer him. "I was looking for you, but you weren't there. I was trying to find you, and when I did, it wasn't you at all."  
  
"How could it be me and not me at the same time?"  
  
"The boy looked like your twin." I laughed as I opened my eyes to glance at Hikaru's face. "He said his name was Sai. Isn't that strange?"  
  
Then, I continued, "That's the name of the opponent I played on the Internet, remember?"  
  
For a moment, Hikaru didn't say anything as I looked at him.  
  
He was gone for a small moment.  
  
"Hikaru?" I asked as I began to touch his face.  
  
But he couldn't hear me at all.  
  
My own heart began to cringe...  
  
I hated it when you looked that way...  
  
You always made it seem like I couldn't reach you.  
  
I couldn't catch up to you from there...  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I went straight into the dream sequence because we are in Akira's head. I wanted you to feel that you were him, which is why I chose the first person perspective for this fic. I wanted you to absorb him. To love him, to hate him, to be confused with him, to feel everything as if it were you. I want you to become one with Akira and show my appreciation of how much I love and admire him.  
  
If I do not accomplish this in this fic, I have failed myself as a writer.  
  
As I said earlier, I am trying a different type of style for myself. I hope to grow with each chapter and each fanfic. Thank you for reading so far. It is really encouraging!  
  
You can't imagine how happy I always am to get feedback. It is not because you've paid attention to me or that I'm starving for words, it's just that you were sweet enough to take your time to write to me. It is always a writer's honor to know what their reader's think.  
  
I know Jamie-san you had asked for Subaru and Seishirou (which I promise to do for you), but I would like to present this fic to you also. Thank you for being kind enough to give me all of HnG and I hope that this fic is to your liking.  
  
And yes, to the reader who commented on the gap being because of Sai, * smile * ping pong! Yes, that's part of the plot. A very important piece, but there's more than one way to play an atari on the Go board... 


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go.  
  
Inside and out  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 4 - Subete ga hoshii... (I want everything.)  
  
A chill ran through me and I suddenly felt this familiar feeling once more. It was like the time in which I told him there was someone inside of him. As absurd as it sounded, I knew that there were two Shindous residing in that body of his. That was the only way I could describe it.  
  
I didn't know why I felt that at that particular moment, but it wouldn't go away. It was like a sting left by a wet whip. The marks would have appeared later, wouldn't they...  
  
The rain fell harder outside and the gloomy feeling was permeating even more into my apartment.  
  
"Hikaru? I said again as I held his face, which was growing a bit cold.  
  
He then smiled at me and turned to kiss me on the lips.   
  
Hikaru didn't answer anything as he said in an enthusiastic voice, "We'd better go to our matches!"  
  
With that, he took my plate and began to fix up the kitchen.  
  
"You can clean this up later," I told him as I got up from my chair. "We can clean it up together."  
  
Why was he acting so strange?  
  
Was it because I had accused him of being Sai once?   
  
What was he thinking?  
  
This was the Hikaru that I couldn't understand. The 'other' one that kept his distance from me.  
  
The one that stood in front of me as if he knew me. His eyes would look at me so lovingly, but kept his distance from me. I thought that this happened only when we played against one another, but it had turned into something much, much more painful.  
  
It kept me in the dark.  
  
And I was at a loss as to what to do.  
  
My defenses were no match for it. I wasn't the confident Akira he knew whenever he did that too.  
  
I wondered if he ever noticed, considering the fact that I was only responsive to him and so indifferent to the rest of the world, unless it involved Go.  
  
"I made the mess, so I'll do it. You go take a shower." Then, a spark came to his eye as tried to change the subject. He pulled my waistband of my pants to come towards him. "Unless..."  
  
"Shindou! I'm going to shower!" I shouted as I turned around with blushing cheeks.  
  
He let go of my pants and continued to smirk at me. "Aki, you're so fun to tease. I love it when you're mad."  
  
"Hmph." I said as I sharply turned around with my braid hitting my right side.  
  
Completely off-guard once more, he grabbed me.   
  
He caught my waist as he gave me a single kiss on my neck.  
  
"Please try to understand," he said with a tired, pleading tone.  
  
"I'm trying to," I answered him. "You know I'm always trying so hard."  
  
He grabbed me harder and he closed his eyes tightly. "I know you do, Aki."  
  
Then, he let go as he began to clean the kitchen while I took my shower. I shook my head as the water poured all over my body.  
  
"Please try to understand." His voice was like that whenever he felt trapped, like the time he gave up Go for a while.  
  
You always told me that I should explain more. But you never explained enough to me, Hikaru.  
  
I didn't know where to start or where to end.   
  
We kept on playing Go, trying to battle one another with all our might and saving what territories we could. But that's how we had always been.  
  
I was trying to share myself with you.  
  
Trying to make you understand the thoughts and feelings that had been suffocating me. Except, as open as you were, you were dense. Sometimes, you denied it. At other times, you knew exactly what was going on.  
  
In the end, the smiling Shindou and the one battling me were two different people.  
  
That was the conclusion I had come to.  
  
But somehow, after all this time, they were not coming together.  
  
I still hadn't figured it out: Who was the 'old' Shindou? And who was the person in front of me?  
  
Sometimes, I thought I knew. At other times, I just didn't know.  
  
I wondered if he felt the same about things regarding me.  
  
--  
  
We walked over to take the subway over to the Go Institute today. As inconvenient as it was to have an apartment quite a distance away, this was better for us. I could move freely in an apartment that wasn't near the Institute.  
  
After all, how was I supposed to explain Hikaru's presence there every single day? He practically came over everyday for every possible reason that he could. Tutoring with school because I wouldn't let him depend totally on Go, practice sessions, etc.  
  
I enjoyed every moment of it, though.  
  
He never failed to make me mad everyday, but he knew what buttons to push to make me calm all over again.  
  
It was really crowded today on the subway because it was rush hour. I was standing up with Hikaru standing in front of me. I gave him a deadpan look as he gave me a wide grin as his arms were positioned to 'protect me from every possible harm'.  
  
Eye to eye, we exchanged an unspoken dialogue of:  
  
"You don't have to always do this, you know..."  
  
"But what if someone other than myself molests you?"  
  
"I'm a boy, dammit."  
  
"That's what _I_ know, but it's not what everyone else sees. Especially with that braid of yours."  
  
"Aren't you going a bit too far with this, Shindou?" I put my right hand over my eyes in exasperation. Then, I took it off.  
  
With a matter-of-fact expression, he responded with a single word, "Mine."  
  
"So childish."  
  
Then aloud, he said, "Then who was the one who chased after me in sixth grade saying 'Shindou! Shindou!'?  
  
Turning red with embarrassment, I shouted back at him, "And who was the one who said, 'If you keep chasing my illusion, someday I'll pass you?'"  
  
Hikaru was about to open his mouth, but then, he closed it. Blinking at me, he said, "If you don't want me to do things, just tell me, Touya."  
  
I had almost forgotten we were using public transportation with other people being irritated by our voices...  
  
I was only reminded when he used my family name...  
  
I had such a one-track mind, especially with him...  
  
I tried to protest, "I never said that-"  
  
I didn't get to finish as he pulled my sleeve while we got off at our stop.   
  
"Why are you mad?" I asked him while he continued to silently walk ahead of me as he pulled on my sleeve.  
  
He shook his head. "Sorry...I was just thinking about stuff..."  
  
I patted his back as we continued to walk. "Whatever you need to say to me, I can wait."  
  
That was all I could say.  
  
That was what I felt was most appropriate for me to say to him...  
  
I didn't know why, but he would occasionally get upset whenever I would refer to our younger selves, chasing after one another as if there were no other people on the Earth except the other.  
  
We passed by Ogata-sensei as we were heading to the elevator. "Ohayou gozaimasu," we both said with a bow.  
  
He smiled as he said, "I wonder what type of games you two will present today. Good luck."  
  
"Thank you," we both said and proceeded to the elevator.  
  
As the doors closed, Hikaru pulled my collar and kissed me. "For good luck," he simply said. "I'll need lots of it today."  
  
With bittersweetness in his tone and eyes, he let go of my collar.  
  
At that moment, I pulled on his shirt and gave him a kiss mark on his collarbone. With my eyes ready for the battle on the Go board, I said, "Here's more luck then."  
  
Letting go of his shirt, I patted the area to cover over it.  
  
Hikaru smirked at me as he said, "Now, why can't you be like this all the time?"  
  
"It's more fun this way," I teased. "You're not the only one who knows a few tricks."  
  
"So I haven't seen everything yet, Aki?"  
  
I shook my head with a triumphant smile on my lips. "No, you haven't, Shindou..."  
  
Ding!  
  
The elevator doors opened and we didn't say another word to one another.  
  
--  
  
"You sure you don't want to go with us and get ramen?" Waya-san said to Hikaru. "I know it's your favorite!"  
  
Hikaru blinked at him as Izumi shook his head. "You're awful, Waya. You know he has to go home."  
  
Waya laughed as he waved goodbye along with Izumi. "Okay, we're going out next week!"  
  
"Yeah!" Hikaru said as he stood beside me. I just smiled at them politely.  
  
Then, as we turned around, I looked at Hikaru with a deadpan face to sarcastically say, "'Home', huh? You're such a bad liar."  
  
"Coming from the person who's so honest he blushes when he's lying."  
  
"That's beside the point," I snapped back.  
  
"I was motivated with this!" He pulled on his shirt to proudly display the mark of my kiss. Looking around, I panicked as I said, "Baka!"  
  
He let go of his shirt as we walked back. "Is it really so wrong?"  
  
But by the tone of his voice, I knew he was also troubled by this. It was as if half of his question was directed at himself rather than fully at me.  
  
"It's not wrong," I told him. "It's just that I don't want other people mixing into our personal business."  
  
"Am I trouble for you, Aki?" he said almost in a whisper.  
  
I stopped walking as I looked at him with a worried expression. "Where'd this come from?"  
  
He looked at me with troubled eyes.  
  
I hated that look...  
  
The same one from this morning...  
  
"Of course, you aren't!" I said in frustration. "If I was, do you think I would have tried all these years to be with you?"  
  
"Then why do you always give me this look as if I've done something wrong?" he asked me as he pulled on my sleeve. "Why are you always worrying?"  
  
I looked up to the sky. It was still gray with anguish, paralleling my feelings for the day.  
  
"It's not you. It's me."  
  
He had noticed after all...  
  
Maybe I had been careless with my relaxed attitude whenever I was near him.  
  
Hikaru didn't say anything.  
  
I continued, "I don't want to go anywhere where you can't follow, but I don't think that can happen because I always look back."  
  
Looking at him, I said, "I fear the day that you'll be too far for me to reach."  
  
"Aki..."  
  
I then smiled at him as I pulled on his sleeve again. In a low voice, I said, "We'd better head home. I can't stand looking at you and not being able to touch you."  
  
"H-hai..."   
  
We walked to the station silently with me tugging on his sleeve firmly.  
  
I couldn't stand it when you were so close.  
  
I couldn't stand never being able to touch you the way I wanted to.  
  
But then again, if I had my way, I'd suffocate myself and you, Hikaru.  
  
I had to hold myself back or else you wouldn't be able to breathe.  
  
I was already losing my ability to breathe normally...  
  
I was holding my breath for a long time now, Hikaru.  
  
Waiting.  
  
Always waiting was so hard...  
  
I wanted you so much.  
  
Everything. I had to have everything.  
  
But you weren't ready to give me that yet.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: AH~! They are SO KAWAII~! It's so hard to keep them both in-character and balanced. They complement one another very well, and I'm happy to find that happy medium between them.  
  
I know it seems dragged out, but little by little, I'm trying to build it. I'm trying to show the different facades they show to one another as well as how each one pursues the other.  
  
Never a dull moment in my opinion! (I can't believe things sounded so sexual here. * sweatdrop *)  
  
To Green Eyes-san, oh, no it isn't you. It was me. * bows humbly * I thought I had failed in some way. I know I'm not good with explanations, but please be patient with me. * hopeful smile * 


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't Yui's.  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 5 - Endure it again.  
  
It was hard to stand in the subway silently. I was staring out the window like the time that I had challenged him.   
  
Hikaru, who was behind me despite the fact that it wasn't too crowded, was too stubborn for me to fend off. He looked at my reflection and I looked back at him through his.  
  
I touched the window, almost lost in thought.  
  
I touched the impression of his cheeks with my hand, but the window was so cold. It was very, very cold.  
  
Two Shindous...  
  
There's someone inside of you...  
  
I knew because this person tried their hardest to hide from me.   
  
At this thought, I took my hand away and looked down at the floor.  
  
How could you not feel someone while you're touching them? Wasn't that weird?  
  
And yet, it made perfect sense with him.   
  
Hikaru never made sense to me, anyway.  
  
He was just Hikaru. Shindou Hikaru.  
  
My rival and the one that I loved.   
  
And yet, there was that wall between us.   
  
I didn't know if I had put it up, but nor did I know if he had put it up. We put it up against one another in some way, but I didn't know what to do with it. It seemed like the years solidified its existence within our relationship.  
  
There was always a time in which Hikaru would be smiling at me, but looked so sad as if he were remembering something. It was strange because it was unlike any other melancholic smile he ever gave. It was a silent one that fought against himself.  
  
Sometimes, I wondered if it was my fault. Did I do anything for him to feel this way?  
  
Maybe...  
  
Maybe I had wanted too much from him...  
  
--  
  
When we got back, I went into the bedroom to change. I was so used to him being around that I never closed the door anymore. I didn't even go to the bathroom like the first nights he had spent with me. I just went to the closet and undressed with my back towards the door.  
  
I heard Hikaru come into the room, but he stopped walking. While putting on my sweatpants (a habit I had picked up from him because I never used to wear such things unless the school required me to), I turned my head to glance at him. His back was leaning on the wall as he crossed his arms.   
  
He was watching me very carefully.   
  
I didn't say anything as I turned around to put on my shirt. I didn't question him because I was just as guilty of what I had done.  
  
I knew _exactly_ what I was doing.  
  
It was my insecurity, I guess.  
  
He plopped on the bed and heaved a loud sigh. "I'm so tired."  
  
"Don't you need to go home soon?" I said as I pulled on my shirt.  
  
"Yes, but it won't really matter. My parents know I'm with you, and they trust you completely, so I'm home free." He looked up at the ceiling as I went to the foot of the bed.   
  
Then, I crawled over him. Taking out the band of my braid, my hair fell onto the bed and touched his arms.  
  
I seductively smiled and told him, "They shouldn't trust me so much. Especially with _you_."  
  
He smiled at me as he put his hands on my cheeks to pull me towards him. "But I trust you completely."  
  
I leaned down to kiss him.  
  
Then, I put my head on his chest as he put one hand over his head while his other arm warmly held me.   
  
I closed my eyes.  
  
Who were you, Hikaru?  
  
I've touched you. I've kissed you. I've talked to you.  
  
But I still didn't know.  
  
"Sai..." Hikaru mumbled to himself. Then he sighed.  
  
"Aki?" he then asked me.  
  
"Hmm?" I was almost falling asleep because I was so comfortable.  
  
"If you have that kind of dream again, will you tell me about it?" he asked with a bit of hesitation in his voice.   
  
"Yes, of course," I answered him.   
  
Just as long as it wasn't true...  
  
That you weren't going to be with me...  
  
That you were gone.  
  
"Okay." Then, he ran fingers through my hair. "Was that why you were so worried? The dream?"  
  
"Well, that and the fact that you didn't talk to me for about a minute when I first told you."  
  
"It...was a shock."  
  
"Why would it be?"  
  
"Because...well..." he then trailed off.  
  
I opened my eyes and patted the area over his heart. "Just tell me."  
  
Something told, like years ago, that I shouldn't have opened Pandora's Box. I should have just let things be and when the time came, they would be revealed without such force or effort.  
  
Patience was all I needed.  
  
There was a long silence, but I somehow regretted bringing up the dream in the first place.  
  
"Sai was my friend."  
  
"What?" I suddenly got up as I looked down at him. "But you said to Ogata-sensei that you didn't know anything. And Father said you didn't have anything to do with him."  
  
"I lied, Aki." His eyes looked away from me and turned his head to one side.  
  
I took a deep breath as a million questions came to me. Half of me was prepared for this because that's what I had thought, but the other half trusted Hikaru. I didn't want to doubt him.  
  
My hands took a strong hold of the sheets as I felt that invisible wall push me farther and farther away from him.  
  
I felt like my heart was becoming very, very hard. I stopped breathing for a moment.  
  
"Why did you lie to me, Shindou?" My fingers held onto the white sheets even more.  
  
He didn't say anything.  
  
He didn't move or blink. Hikaru remained motionless.  
  
"Shindou!" I shouted as I looked at him. "Tell me why did you lie to me!"  
  
After all these years...  
  
If there was anyone in the world I trusted, it was you, Hikaru. You were the only one who would stand up to me with confident eyes and a clear conscience.  
  
As he turned his head to look straight at me, he tried to hold his tears back.  
  
But, I damned my own.  
  
They were falling onto his cheeks as I hung my head in defeat.  
  
"Why won't you ever tell me everything?" I sobbed as I gritted my teeth in pain. My heart was cringing more and more.  
  
I couldn't stand looking at him that way, but I was hit with my own humanly constraints.  
  
I looked indifferently at everything, but when I felt something, it was always too extreme.   
  
"I keep on finding puzzle pieces, but they never connect, Hikaru," I said as I kept my eyes closed, unable to look at him. When I opened my eyes, they were as blurry as ever.   
  
"I never see the whole picture. I never see the whole you."  
  
At that moment, I lost my grip as I felt my body reach its limit. I couldn't control it any longer. I fell towards him as I whispered,   
  
"You won't...let me...Hikaru...Why?"  
  
Then, I fell onto his warm chest as I faded out of consciousness.   
  
All I could hear was a tortured murmur of, "I'm sorry, Aki! I'm sorry..."  
  
Before totally fading out, I thought,  
  
"It's not your fault.   
  
I'm just so weak when it comes to you...  
  
The world could have been messed up, but as long as you were there, Hikaru, I could endure it.  
  
But what would happen if I couldn't have you?  
  
I don't know...  
  
I really don't know.  
  
I didn't want to endure it alone all over again..."  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Wow, we've come to a pretty heavy scene, haven't we? Dude, I was dying in the end, forgetting to breathe. I had to stop typing for a moment because I was so caught up with the story. Trying to understand things through Akira's eyes is quite troublesome. He's eighteen in this story, but being consistent to the series, he's always so much more mature than other people his age.  
  
In my opinion, this is one of the gaps that keep Hikaru and him apart. They're equal in talent in Go, but not in mentality. I'm trying to build Hikaru's character to get to Akira while I'm trying to build Akira to get to Hikaru at the same time. They each have their strengths and weaknesses that only can be revealed the more they are together. 


	7. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go.  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 6 - the only way.  
  
There was a muffle of voices around me. I blinked my eyes, but I was too tired to get up.  
  
Someone was shouting outside of my door.  
  
It was more of a murmur if anything else. I couldn't really make out the words as I tried to open my eyes again to the blurry world before me.  
  
I was facing a wall. My eyes tried to focus on the wall before me, but I kept on hearing the murmuring from outside of my door.   
  
Something told me not to ignore it.  
  
"Hikaru..." I mumbled to myself as I turned to one side, which faced the window in my room. I blinked my eyes as I saw Maya sit in a chair before me. With a relieved face, she greeted, "Oujisama! I'm so happy you're awake!"  
  
"Hmm?" I was a bit confused, still disoriented as to where I truly was.  
  
Everything here was so real too...  
  
"You became very sick and slept off and on for days!" Maya exclaimed as she came over to me and sighed in relief. "I shall call your parents and tell them the wonderful news!"  
  
"Wait. Why did I get sick?"  
  
"Fatigue," she simply replied as she looked at me with a calm face. "You thought too much."  
  
I wasn't convinced, but I was going to let the subject drop for the moment.  
  
"I woke up because there was noise outside of my door." I sat up and leaned on the wall behind me to support my back. I was still feeling a bit nauseous.  
  
"Ari-san is taking care of the problem," she said with a frown on her face.  
  
Then, I heard Hikaru's voice again. "I must see the prince!"  
  
"Hikaru!" I said in a panic. "Bring him to me at once!"  
  
"Oujisama..." Maya was curiously being hesitant. "There is no Hikaru-sama."  
  
Why did she suddenly look like she knew something?  
  
"Bring _Sai_ to me. NOW," I ordered with a sharp tongue. "Don't question my orders."  
  
With a worried look, she bit her lip as she nodded her head to me. "H-hai, Oujisama."  
  
As she opened the door, Sai broke free of Ari's grip and he ran towards my bed. When he came before me, he formally bowed. Maya and Ari were amazed at the sudden change in attitude.  
  
I continued to look at him.  
  
He looked so much like Hikaru...  
  
It was uncanny.  
  
"Why are you disturbing everyone in this household?" I asked with piercing eyes.   
  
"I came here to apply to be your Go tutor, Oujisama." He then lifted up his head and looked directly at me, something other people should not have ever done. "They wouldn't let me apply because I'm a kid, but I'm just as good as they are."  
  
"You?" I laughed. "You really want to become _my_ Go tutor?"  
  
Holding a serious face, Sai said, "Yes, very much."  
  
"Why?" I crossed my arms as I looked at him skeptically.  
  
"I have to," he firmly answered without blinking.  
  
Those eyes looked through me. They didn't relent and nor were they repentant. I wanted to look deeply at them, almost crazy enough to tell him to lie to me and tell me he was Hikaru.  
  
I was missing a part of myself...  
  
"I will not accept your application," I said to him as I turned my head away from him so that I wouldn't have to look at those eyes of his.  
  
Sai opened his lips slightly like the way Hikaru did whenever he had something very deep to say, but he closed his lips again. He wasn't budging at all.  
  
Such a stubborn boy. How predictable.  
  
I smiled as I shook my head.   
  
At this, I saw Maya and Ari make comments between one another.  
  
"Play me here and now, Sai-san." I told him as I turned back to face him while a smile came to his lips. "But if you fail, you must become my servant."  
  
Either way...  
  
I was going to have you near me...  
  
Even if you were a look-alike...  
  
I was ashamed of myself for such a thought, but I too was weak. I didn't want to fight it if it meant that I could have some form of him here.  
  
The hole inside of my heart was becoming a little bit bigger as the time passed...  
  
"Please get one of the boards and bring it here," I asked Maya and Ari.   
  
When we were alone, Sai, who was kneeling on the floor, said to me, "I'm sorry for causing you trouble. I'm also sorry about calling you a weirdo the other day."  
  
I looked at him and smile. I shook my head as I summed up all my thoughts into a single sentence. "I am glad you came."  
  
Sai's head instantly shot up with a surprised look, but then, the curve on his lips became a little bit straighter. His eyes became slightly sorrowful as he looked at me.  
  
Even this look remained with this one.  
  
I sighed inwardly.  
  
They nodded and came back after a few minutes. Maya and Ari set up the board in one corner of the room. Maya helped me get out of bed as Ari told Sai to take a seat on one side of the Go board.  
  
As we played, I was entranced by the board immediately.  
  
There was something about this game that seemed so familiar. The feel was the same...  
  
Instead of looking at the board, I looked at Sai.  
  
Then, I squinted my eyes a bit as I put my piece down.   
  
I gasped a bit.  
  
This...this game!  
  
I opened my lips slightly in awe as I looked at him.  
  
His eyes met mine and he smiled a little as he bowed his head a bit.   
  
I didn't move and I didn't even bother picking up a Go piece.  
  
"Oujisama?" He looked at me with worried eyes. "Is there something wrong?"  
  
Out of my mesmerized state, I shook my head in embarrassment. "No, nothing is wrong."  
  
Get a grip on yourself, Akira! Why is your concentration so off today?  
  
Even with Hikaru, Go was supposed to come first, as hard as it was.  
  
I placed another chip.  
  
If he placed it here then-  
  
He did!  
  
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap...  
  
"A-arimasen," I said in hesitation as I bowed my head slightly, but even so, I didn't look away.   
  
Dammit, Akira, why can't you take your eyes off this boy?!  
  
The boy smiled happily at me as he said, "Thank you for the game, Oujisama."  
  
Then, like the person I knew, he leaned forward over the Go board as he said, "Will you let me stay with you now?"  
  
"Hey you!" Maya reprimanded him. "Don't address the prince that way!"  
  
But he wasn't listening at all. I wasn't either.  
  
His hopeful eyes were making me melt. They always captured me in some way.  
  
Because he had been so forward, he laughed as he placed his hand behind his head. Then, he blushed while still looking at me. Then, he looked at the floor.  
  
He looked at me again.  
  
A smiled came to my lips. "Definitely."  
  
That's the person I was drawn to. This bright person who pushed his way through me without a second thought. And before I knew it, I couldn't get away anymore.  
  
I sent Ari and Maya out of the room. I didn't know if that was such a good idea placing myself before my own temptation. Also, I was sure that Ari and Maya were running to my parents to let them know what was happening.  
  
Regardless, I looked at Sai without discretion. He never seemed to keep his eyes off of me either.  
  
"Tell me why you are here," I told him.   
  
I put my hands on my lap and totally focused on as his eyes continued to be unwavering.  
  
They were so sure about something. I just didn't have any idea as to what exactly.  
  
"I'm here because..." He became silent all of a sudden.  
  
It felt like a hush had come into the room as a breeze went through the window. The red wind chime began to ring.   
  
Sai grabbed onto his pants and made his hands into tight fists.  
  
"I'm here because you called to me."  
  
It didn't make sense at all, but my heart felt warm all over. I was touched, but I didn't know why.  
  
It seemed like something inside of me was comforted and relieved. A place in which I had been holding my breath was released and was able to be free again.  
  
"What do you mean, Sai-san?" I asked him.  
  
"Oujisama was crying before he fainted in my arms."  
  
"I was?" I was perplexed. It seemed like the scene near the river and why I was in bed were coming together now.  
  
He nodded as he continued with a pained voice, "Until you remember me, I cannot leave you."  
  
"Remember you?"  
  
He didn't say anymore.  
  
Things weren't making sense once more, but as I looked at him, he got up from his place. As he was passing by me, a sense of fear came over me. My hand, by instinct, grabbed his.  
  
But I pulled too hard.  
  
He ended up falling into my arms, but he didn't move a centimeter. He continued to look at me with those eyes of his. I couldn't read them, but I was truly captured by them.  
  
Without thinking, I reached out to touch his cheek, but he leaned up to whisper in my ear, "Akira, wake up. Please wake up."  
  
"Hikaru?" I whispered.  
  
What was happening here?   
  
Someone please tell me what's wrong...  
  
I want to touch you, but something won't let me.  
  
Why can't I ever fight this block that's between us?  
  
Wasn't I strong enough?  
  
Sai got up and bowed to me. When he opened his eyes, they looked straight into me again. Though he held a smile, I felt like he was holding in his pain.  
  
Then, he turned to leave and I was left there looking behind him.  
  
So many things were running through my head.  
  
Why did I call out to you? But why were you now answering that call?  
  
Why...  
  
Why couldn't I be strong for the both of us?  
  
But who was really holding back? You or me?  
  
At that moment, I realized that he was quietly calling me from the depths of my soul.   
  
But, I felt the hole inside of my heart becoming bigger too...  
  
Like the first time I had met Hikaru at my father's Go Salon so many years ago, I didn't care about the consequences.  
  
I was so sure that the deeper I was getting into this, I was going to tear myself apart by the end of it.  
  
And I wouldn't mind at all.  
  
If that was the only way I could reach deep inside of him...  
  
I made my choice and I wanted him.  
  
Whomever that was.  
  
No one else.  
  
So if anything was going to hurt me, I'd let it as long as it didn't hurt Hikaru in return.  
  
For if it did, _that_ would be the only way to break me so easily.  
  
The only way to truly break my heart was for Hikaru to kill it himself.  
  
--  
  
Suddenly, I opened my eyes to stare at the darkness before me. Then, I found myself staring at the ceiling above me. I gasped for air as tears rolled down the sides of my face.  
  
I looked to one side to find Hikaru sitting on a chair, but his head was leaning on his crossed arms, which were on the right side of my bed.   
  
"Hikaru..." I said out of breath as I reached out for his clenched fist and held it weakly.  
  
Yes, that was the only way.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's notes: Okee, we're just going to keep on getting more and more complicated from here, so if anything's unclear, be sure to tell me! ^____^ I'll try my best to clarify it.  
  
Mixing both the dream sequences and the 'rl' stuff, I'm trying to make a stream-of-consciousness type of effect. After all, my description on ff.net is really, really vague this time. And it will all make sense once I get to the end. (I took it from the perspective of Akira's monologues. He's so cute whenever he thinks too much, isn't he?!)  
  
As to the comment about the last chapter, Hikaru didn't directly tell Akira that he wasn't related to Sai and nor did he say he was. But the Akira I've come to perceptualize (oh, I hope that I'm characterizing them correctly) is very passionate. As he was when he was 12 or 14, he gets worked up with anything to do with Hikaru. Akira may feel like he's been lied to rather than Hikaru telling him a directly. What I mean is that Akira may have interpreted this differently from the way Hikaru was trying to present it, but Hikaru shows in this fic that he is guilty. Akira sees this, and his wound deepens with the looks and Hikaru's words.  
  
Hikaru hasn't told him all this time. It has been 3+ years in my story since the time that Hikaru told him that he'd tell him something, which through this story, he's still uncomfortable with revealing. Akira's been waiting for Hikaru to explain, but Hikaru's been as mysterious as the day they first met. So, he's frustrated.  
  
I wanted to present that Akira's moods, feelings, and thoughts contrast one another. He tells Hikaru stuff, but not what really bothers him. Hikaru tells him stuff, but not answering the questions Akira wants to be answered.  
  
Thank you FW-san, Lady Seishou-san, and Green Eyes-san for your encouragement! I am trying my best with these characters. They are a handful, but your support makes the process of writing MUCH easier for me.  
  
^___^ Ah, Jamie-san! Thank you so much for the episodes! (I can't seem to thank you enough!) Enjoy this fic that's dedicated to you!  
  
But to my muse, I always think of you whenever I write this fic. 


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: HikaGo isn't mine. The song Kira isn't either. The translations are though. ^_^  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 7 - Nandemonai. (Nothing.)  
  
My heart was beating fast as I looked at him. My usual calm was always disturbed with that single smile he gave me. I felt warm whenever I was near him, as if he were melting something deep inside of me.  
  
I felt comfortable around him and with that, he tugged me along. He encouraged me to always look back as if to say, "You can't ever get away, Touya."  
  
I didn't want to get away by that point though.  
  
I weakly held onto his hand as I just stared. I kept on looking at that sleeping face, but before I knew it, I found his face becoming a blur.   
  
You baka...  
  
I wanted to say that aloud, but I didn't have enough strength to. After all, who was I to judge him in that way if I found myself in a hospital room with an oxygen mask hanging from one side of the bed.  
  
I trusted him completely, and there was not anything ever to steer me otherwise...  
  
Nothing...  
  
Almost a year and a half ago, I asked him this question. I felt that if he couldn't tell me everything at once, at least he would tell me in parts.  
  
We were becoming very close and I thought it was the perfect time to ask him.  
  
I had just moved into my apartment and Hikaru came to help. He wanted me to ask more people, but I was too shy to ask. "I'm used to doing things by myself," I said to him as I was unpacking my boxes.  
  
We already moved everything by then. I only brought my computer, a Go board, bed, clothes, etc. I just needed the bare minimum. I didn't really care for buying much else.   
  
The only thing I cared about besides family, Go, and Hikaru were books to read so that I could keep up with my studies.  
  
My mother didn't want me to move out. I was too young, she was trying to push. But I assured her that I would be the way I always had been.  
  
Besides, I couldn't get close to Hikaru if I didn't...  
  
A one-track mind could do wonders. It derailed into many different directions, but that single idea would come back on track as if it never strayed in the first place.  
  
I offered him orange juice and cut some fruit for him to eat. Then, I smiled as we sat on the ground looking at one another with the small number of boxes around us. Ogata-sensei insisted on at least transporting the boxes, so I didn't have a choice. My parents came, but they already left too.  
  
"Thanks for helping me move, Shindou," I told him while touching my glass to his forehead. It was the middle of August and the heat was unusually unbearable.  
  
He closed his eyes and leaned his head forward, having no discretion at all towards me. (I think that's one of the reasons why I was so mad at him. I thought he was disrespecting me whenever we talked when we were children. Twelve was a tough age in my honest opinion.)  
  
"Mmm...that feels so nice," he said. Then, he opened his eyes and winked at me. "No problem!"  
  
I smiled even more as I took my cup away to drink some more. He sat up straight and drank his juice too.  
  
"No, I really mean it. I really appreciate you coming to help me." I laughed as I slightly bowed my head while running my fingers through my hair. It was pathetic how charmed I was by that adorable smile of his.  
  
It seemed so unfair that I had no effect on him whatsoever except when it came to competing in Go. I sighed.  
  
"I didn't have anything to do anyway. You can stop thanking me now," he said while waving his hand at me.  
  
He gulped the rest of his juice.  
  
Because I had freshly squeezed it (my mother really had a thing for fresh stuff), he was more than enthusiastic at drinking it. Some dropped down the sides of his mouth...  
  
...down his neck...  
  
...and into his shirt...  
  
I blushed. I felt like my nose would bleed at any moment.  
  
I immediately looked away.  
  
I was overboiling!   
  
This...this was way too much for one day...  
  
I got up to get him a napkin.   
  
But as I knelt in front of him and gave it to him, he shook his head at me. I gave him an exasperated look. "What are you up to?" I rose an eyebrow.  
  
"Nothing." He smiled at me with his eyes closed again.  
  
I shook my head as I patted the sides of his mouth. "You're such a brat, Shindou."  
  
While I was patting his neck, he lay down and I laughed at him with a smirk. Leaning over him, I said, "Just what is wrong with you today?"  
  
Out of nowhere, he said with a serious face and sweet eyes, "I missed you."  
  
I gave him a perplexed look. "How can you miss me if I see you so many times in a week?"  
  
"But it's only for an hour because you're always busy." Then, he gave uncertain frown as he said, "It's hard being always 2-dan away from you. You're getting further and further away. This week alone you're going up another-"  
  
I leaned forward and kissed him.  
  
I had reached my limit.  
  
When it became cloudy around Hikaru, I knew something was entirely wrong with the world. And him frowning at me made me upset so easily.  
  
That was our second kiss ever.  
  
The first one didn't go too well...and that was only a few months earlier...  
  
Yeah, he made me wait a LONG time...  
  
I'd like to think he made me wait since we were twelve even though it still disturbed him that I said that once. "You knew you liked me since then???" he asked me and I just nodded, not wanting to explain anything more.  
  
So, for him to tell me that he missed me was an accomplishment by itself.  
  
I began to kiss his neck, which was mixed with the taste of oranges. Then, I whispered into his ear, "I thought you hated me, Shindou. You punched me the first time I kissed you."  
  
"I was confused." He then added, "And you were taking advantage of the situation."  
  
I gave him a matter-of-fact face and answer of, "I'm doing the same thing now, so what makes it any different? Do you really think I'll stay away from you by choice?"  
  
He raised an eyebrow. "You're so weird, Touya..."  
  
"How many times have I run after you in these past four years? Tell me." I looked down at him with my hands pressing on the floor and my eyes focused only on him.  
  
"I've been trying to get to you because you shouted for me to play against you. Ever since you ran into me in that Internet café!"" he defiantly retorted back. "So there!"  
  
I shook my head. "I'm the one physically moving from place to place to go to you! I even went to your campus to talk to you several times too!"  
  
Then, his eyes became a bit off. They were a little hurt.  
  
"I thought you..." He looked away for a moment, but then he looked at me again. "I thought you were chasing my illusion!"  
  
I blinked at him, and then my angry faces softened as I gently said, "The only things in my head are Go and Shindou Hikaru."  
  
He stared at me, only half-convinced.  
  
"Like I told you years ago, how you play is who you are. That's all I need." I leaned my head on his shoulder. I whispered almost showing my inner desparation, "That's all. Believe me when I say this to you..."  
  
I was going to ask him about Sai earlier because Ogata-sensei started talking about him for some reason, but something told me not ask.  
  
It wasn't quite time yet...  
  
We stayed like that for quite a while. A tear slipped onto his shirt and I was a bit distressed by it. I never liked showing anyone my emotions.  
  
And that day, he put his arm over my back. In fact, he hugged me with all his of his body as he answered, "Okay, Aki."  
  
That was the day we officially got together.  
  
--  
  
It was dark outside because it was still the middle of the night, but the clouds didn't help very much  
  
Regardless, I never looked away from him, but the picture of his sleeping face got harder and harder to look at as my heart began to ache more than ever.  
  
"Why did you lie to me?!" I had shouted.  
  
I held onto his hand a little tighter.  
  
He had betrayed me in some way by always deviating my questions, making me too scared to ask the ones that I needed to be answered.  
  
Whatever it is that you're holding inside of you, it's all right for you to tell me.   
  
But why are you so scared to tell me, Hikaru?  
  
Was it something I did?  
  
I didn't have a clue.  
  
At that moment, I remembered a song that was on the radio that went like this:  
  
"Hitori de ame wo aruiteru Machi no naka  
  
Sumetakunatta yubisaki Sotto nigitteta  
  
Surechigau kasa Warai au hitogomi de  
  
Meguriau koto no imi wo kangaeteita yo  
  
Nanika chigatteru Kawari hajimeteiru  
  
Kimitte iu dekigoto ga kyorikan kuruwaseteiru?  
  
Dokomademo tsuzuiteku michi  
  
Boku no hayasa de arukou  
  
Itsuka mata kizutsuite  
  
Hizamazuku yoru ga kitatte  
  
Tozasareta kokoro no nake e  
  
Kimi ga otoshita kiseki de  
  
Boku ga ita kono sekai Kakujitsu ni hirogari tsuzukeru  
  
Yuugure no iro todokanai Sora wo mite  
  
Kono mama yomanaidete to, dokoka omotteta  
  
Itami wo shireba Tsuyoku nareru no nara  
  
Asa ga kuru made fuan ni obieteitai...  
  
Sugu ni kono ame mo hoshizora ni kawaru  
  
Sono RIMITTO kikoetara Boku wo torimodosu kara  
  
Dokomademo tsuzuiteiku michi  
  
Owari ga tooku nattemo  
  
Itsu no hi katadori tsuku  
  
Yakusoku ga hodokenai youni  
  
Erabareta tobira no mukou  
  
Kimi ga kuru no wo matteru  
  
Itsumademo itsumademo Unmei wo shizuka ni matteru  
  
[instrumental]  
  
Dokomademo tsuzuiteku michi  
  
Boku no hayasa de arukou  
  
Itsuka mata kizutsuite  
  
Hizamazuku yoru ga kitatte  
  
Tozasareta kokoro no nake e  
  
Kimi ga otoshita kiseki de  
  
Boku ga ita kono sekai Kakujitsu ni hirogari tsuzukeru"  
  
Yes, that's right.   
  
I'll sing that song to you someday because I'm never really too good with my words.  
  
Whatever fate has in mind, I'll take it. I'm still waiting for you to come towards me.  
  
I want to know so many things, but if you can't tell me, I'll continue to wait here.  
  
Because I'm grateful that Fate brought me to you, and not the other way around. I may have looked like I was on the straight path, but it was boring and long. I didn't know that until I met you.  
  
So, believe me whenever I tell you that it's _you_ I care about, whomever that is. Whatever that may lead to.  
  
I don't believe in God, but I believe in you.  
  
Even right now.  
  
Even at this moment.  
  
Because of that, I'll let you break my heart however you want.  
  
It'll only make us stronger.  
  
I know it will.  
  
I can bear anything as long as you're here beside me.  
  
I...  
  
I thought I was doing the same for you...  
  
Someday, you'll realize this too.  
  
So truly, the only way to hurt me is when you hurt yourself, Hikaru.   
  
That's where I don't know how to save you. And you won't let me.  
  
There is nothing you can do to make me stop following you.  
  
There is nothing you can do to push me away.  
  
There is nothing you can do to make me hate you.  
  
My feelings consume me little by little each day  
  
_because_ they can only get stronger.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
---  
  
Author's notes: All I have to say is that I'm enjoying this quite nicely. The story's foundation is starting to come together slowly, but surely. I hope that I'll be able to make use of that outline I made for this fic. ^^;;;  
  
The only thing I'm disturbed is how sexual things are. I've never really had this type of problem in any fic. ^^;;;;; Maybe it's my yaoi fangirl nature kickin' in. It's the side that tells me repression is our friend and therefore justice must be served! (Then again, by the end of the series, as much as I had loved it, I was only irritated by two things: 1) What was the point of Akari??? (--;;;; She's not as bad as some other anime girls and she certainly is a TAD better than Sakurano of PoT. Ryoma's with Tezuka. And Tezuka's with Fuji. I like this threesome. That's all there is to it.) and 2) WHY?! Why couldn't they even hug?! (Reminds me of why I just _had_ to have a scene between Subaru and Seishirou! Evil Clamp!) The only time Akira touches him is EP 3, dammit! * huffs and puffs * Sorry, had to get that out of my system.   
  
All in all, be prepared for quite a long fic, so please be patient with me. It won't be as long as my mini novel for Gravitation called 'nagareboshi' (44 chapters in three different parts). ^^;;; I'll aim for 20 chapters. But if it is more, thank you for sticking it out with me.  
  
(I just bombed a final today because of my teacher's testing format, so I wrote another chapter to ease my troubles.)  
  
(Really, I swore when I first heard this song, I thought he was serenading Hikaru...)  
  
Translation:  
  
Kira (Fine Clothes)  
  
sung by Kobayashi Sanae  
  
On the street, I'm walking alone in the rain   
  
I'm tightly holding my fingers which have become frozen  
  
The umbrella of 'missing one another'   
  
A happy meeting within a crowd   
  
I've been thinking about the meaning of our chanced meeting   
  
Something's different. It's changing and beginning.  
  
'You', I said. The incident that made me feel so distant is driving me crazy?  
  
Persistently going on this continuous path,  
  
We walk at my pace.  
  
Someday, again, I'll be hurt and  
  
the kneeling night has come.  
  
Inside of my locked heart,  
  
You are a miracle that fell   
  
into this world that I was existing in.   
  
(But) certainly, our gap continues to widen.  
  
The color of the twilight cannot reach. I look at the sky and  
  
I thought, "This still won't stop anywhere."  
  
If I knew of the pain, then I could become stronger while,   
  
By the time morning comes, I want to become afraid of anxieties.  
  
Instantly, I change in this rain and the starry sky.   
  
I can hear that limit because I've regained myself.   
  
Persistently going on this continuous path  
  
Even if the end is far.  
  
When a day similar to the end arrives,  
  
Like a promise that's been untied,  
  
Beyond the chosen door,   
  
I'm waiting for you to come.  
  
Forever, indefinitely, I'm waiting silently for fate.  
  
[instrumental]  
  
Persistently going on this continuous path,  
  
We walk at my pace.  
  
Someday, again, I'll be hurt and  
  
the kneeling night has come.  
  
Inside of my locked heart,  
  
You are a miracle that fell   
  
into this world that I was existing in.   
  
(But) certainly, our gap continues to widen.  
  
Notes:  
  
Surechigau modifies kasa so it acts as an adjective here.  
  
Warai is smiling, but I used this because it seems more appropriate.  
  
I used 'anywhere' instead of 'somewhere' for dokoka because it made more sense with anywhere. 'Somewhere' indicated a destination.  
  
Torimodosu is used as 'take myself back', Akira's sense of self.  
  
I tried my best with what I could, so please accept these humble translations. 


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: yui doesn't own HnG.  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 8 – Never give up.  
  
"I'm sorry, Aki."  
  
Before I could even answer, I opened my eyes to see that my mother was holding my hand. In surprise, I said, "Mother…"  
  
She sighed in relief as she hugged me tightly. "Akira. Oh, Akira…"  
  
But as much as I loved my mother, my thoughts and my spirit weren't with her. All I could do was say, "Where is Hikaru, Mother?"  
  
My mother let go of me as she slipped back into her chair, but her hand was still firmly holding onto mine. She held a pained face and she looked altogether distressed while keeping her eyes on me. "After telling me about how you fainted due to fatigue, he politely left. I asked him to stay until you woke up because he was the one who took care of you last night, but he said he had something to do."  
  
Then, we both became silent.   
  
I felt that she wanted to say something more, but I didn't even know what to say.   
  
She broke the silence by saying, "Your father was rushing over here from Korea, but I told him to continue on the Go tour. You would have told him so."  
  
I laughed a bit as I nodded. "I wouldn't want him to stop something like that."  
  
"He says to get well soon." My mother then took her hand away as she folded them on her lap. While looking at me, she began to shake her head. "I told you not to overexert yourself. I want you to be happy, but please stop overworking yourself like this. I don't want to get another call like this again."  
  
I nodded as I said, "I'm sorry, Mother."  
  
Then, she began to pat my hair, but her eyes looked at me with full of concern. She looked confused, as if I had shut her away from a part of myself. She appeared as if I had kept something from her and she was gradually understanding.  
  
It wasn't very hard to say what it was, but I could guess around it.  
  
My eyes averted themselves towards the floor. I took a deep breath as the knots in my stomach began to tie tighter and tighter. I didn't know if this was the right place or the right time, but it was something that needed to be said.  
  
"I fainted because I've been making myself tired. Yes, that's correct, but there's also something else."  
  
I still didn't look into her eyes. It wasn't out of shame, but if she showed me any kind of disapproval or anger, I wouldn't be able to take it at that moment. I was strong, but when you put me next to the most important people and things, I was as helpless as any human being when they were in danger of losing their self-respect.  
  
And losing the love you had built all these years with these people and things would be devastating to me.  
  
"What is it, Akira?" my mother asked me as her hand fell down onto my shoulder.   
  
"Hikaru and I had a fight," I started to explain as my body began to feel like it was becoming cold from the inside out. The knots in my stomach were becoming tighter and tighter.  
  
"But I'm sure it will work out with time," she told me with a firm grip on my shoulder as she took a deep breath. It conveyed only a percentage of the worry she was trying not to show me in the first place. "I've told you not to stress out so much. It worries me too."  
  
I bent my head a bit further and I felt the knots become flames inside of me. They were burning inside out while the numbness was making me more and more unfeeling.  
  
Would my mother hate me for keeping a secret from her? Would she get mad at me for getting a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend?  
  
Would she hate me for both?  
  
Either way, I didn't want to choose between Hikaru or my parents. Both were very important to me and to lose one would be the end of me. They were the ones that gave me my special strength. And equally, to take them away would crush me.  
  
"I wish it were that simple, but it is kind of complicated," I said as I slowly lifted up my head.  
  
Our fragile relationship was something strong in one way, but in another area, it was totally unhinged. There was still something I couldn't figure out and Hikaru wouldn't let me tell me what it was.  
  
It all came down to Sai, whomever and whatever that was.  
  
"Just tell me, Akira," my mother tried to comfort me. "Whatever it is, just tell me. For once, stop thinking about how to handle things all by yourself."  
  
At that moment, my mother, who never tried to show me how emotional she could be, finally hugged me. She put her arms around me. "It's harder to see you this way. You never tell me anything, so how can I help you, my son?"  
  
I closed my eyes as I let myself absorb her warmth.  
  
"I love Hikaru, Mother," I finally told her.  
  
"Yes," she answered as she nodded her head. "I love him too."  
  
I could hear the smile on her face as she continued, "He's your best friend and you can't imagine how relieved I am that you have a true friend. And someone that's your age too."  
  
"No, Mother…" I said as I gently pushed her away from me. I held onto her shoulders lightly as I found the courage to look into her eyes. With determined eyes, I bared my heart to her knowing that she wouldn't be able to handle it.  
  
"I am in love with him."  
  
The knots finally snapped and felt the stinging deep inside of me as the numbness was overtaking my mother's warmth.  
  
"Akira…" Mother looked at me with wide eyes as her shoulders slightly moved downward and her color slightly changed a shade lighter. It was more than shock on her face.  
  
"I've felt like I was hiding something from you and Father. And whenever I tried to find the time to tell you, it wasn't right. But it would never be the right time.  
  
"I know this doesn't make any sense. Why I had to say this right now may make no sense at the moment, but it does, Mother." I still held onto her shoulders as my eyes began to blur.   
  
I didn't want her looking at me like that.  
  
I couldn't read her at all and I felt like I was losing her.  
  
"I've been thinking for years and I've not been sleeping well for many days. I feel like I'm losing Hikaru in some way and I can't recover it for some reason. And the more I feel attached to him, I've felt like I've been pushing you and Father away as well.  
  
"I never wanted to worry anyone and in the end, I did." I shook my head. "I'm confused, Mother. For once in my life, I don't know where the straight path is. Wherever I look, I feel like I have to choose between significant people and things.  
  
"And then, yesterday, I fainted because I felt a bit betrayed by him. I couldn't handle it and went into shock. I've never felt like that before.  
  
"This is a place where I don't know where to go to. I feel lost. I don't like this feeling at all."  
  
"Help me, Mother," I desparately, yet honestly told her.  
  
Go was always there for me. It gave me skills that I needed in order to strategize and become able to plan out things well.  
  
But it still had its faults.  
  
I didn't know how to handle losing.   
  
I think that's what it meant you grew up: You couldn't have everything.  
  
"I don't know how to help you, Akira…" Hesitantly, but firmly, at that moment, she hugged me again. I saw her close her eyes as I felt the tears on my back. "I'll try my best to understand if you'd explain it to me."  
  
I began to smile as I closed my eyes tightly. "Thank you, Mother…"  
  
That's all I ever needed.  
  
I just wanted your reassurance…  
  
"You don't hate me, do you?"  
  
"How can I hate you, Akira?" She began to sniffle. "You're the best son a mother could have. At times you obsessed over Go too much, but I couldn't have asked for anyone better."  
  
I pressed my head on her shoulder. "Thank you so much for understanding…"  
  
"As long as it makes you happy, Akira. It will make me happy as well. That's all I've ever wanted for you."  
  
And so, little by little, the tightness I had held for so long was weakening. It was loosening and I felt like a large weight had been lifted from inside of my heart.  
  
I smiled as I said to her, "We've been thinking the same thing for many, many years, haven't we?"  
  
"When people told me not to let you play Go so much, I told them it made you happy, so I let you play with your father. When other parents would 'talk' to me, I'd tell them I was proud to have a son who passionately loved something at so young an age. Could they say the same?"   
  
She then pulled away as she held onto my face in between her hands. "I named you Akira because I never wanted you to give up."  
  
A whole new admiration filled within me for my mother.  
  
I looked at her closely and it was at that moment I began to truly understand my mother after all these years. How she could stand my father and me and Go and all the things that came along with it.  
  
"You'll never be lost, Akira, because in your heart, you'll always know the answer. That is your hidden strength, my son."  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: From the start, I wanted Aki's mother to be in the story, however, she came out a little bit earlier than I had planned in my outline. I felt that she was very important since Aki totally loves his parents. And even though, this struggle should extend with them, I felt Aki's mother would be understanding. Shocked, but understanding. 


	10. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: yui doesn't own HnG.  
  
Inside and out  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 9 – mae ni. (in front.)  
  
After the talk with my mother, she stayed with me the rest of the day. Even though she wanted me to stay at home with her or come with me, I told her that I would be fine.  
  
I waited at the hospital for Hikaru until I checked out, but he never came. My heart was ruptured a little by this.  
  
And so, my mother and I parted ways.  
  
"Promise me you'll call if you want anything. Anything at all, okay?" she asked me as she let go of my hand.  
  
I nodded. "Yes, thank you."  
  
But I caught her hand and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you for trusting me, even now."  
  
Then, I let her go as she smiled and shook her head. "Akira, I know you better than you know yourself. I'm your mother."  
  
I went in a cab to my apartment and as I sat there, my thoughts were still with Hikaru.  
  
How are you feeling at this moment? Where could you possibly be?  
  
But his voice kept on repeating in my head, "I'm sorry, Aki…"  
  
You don't need to apologize, Hikaru.   
  
And don't hide from me. Just come back to me…  
  
When I got to the elevator of my apartment, I couldn't believe that just a few hours ago, I was at a hospital. I was waiting for Hikaru and I knew he was so guilty that he wouldn't show up there. I knew that, but I still hoped he could see past all that.  
  
"I love you that much, you idiot," I said as I got off the elevator.  
  
But I stopped walking as I saw Hikaru sitting on the floor next to my door with his head down. "Hikaru…"  
  
He didn't hear me at all.  
  
As I walked over and knelt in front of him, I touched his bangs gently.   
  
"Huh?" Hikaru lifted up his head to reveal a tear-strained face.   
  
"You could have gone in, you know…" I tried to joke.  
  
I wasn't going to pry anymore if it brought this much pain to both of us…  
  
I didn't want those eyes of his crying…  
  
"But-" he tried to say, but I interrupted him. I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips in the middle of that hall. "Just shut up and come inside."  
  
I opened the door and he hesitantly came in. I practically needed to pull him with my hand over his.   
  
Still holding onto his hand, I put down the bag I had with me, closed the door, and pulled him to come to the bedroom.   
  
I sat on my bed and sighed as he stood in front of me. I looked up to him with both of my hands holding onto both of his.   
  
The only thing I could say was, "I waited for you to come back."  
  
"I couldn't." He looked away from me. "You had an awful dream again, didn't you? I just knew after that that you probably didn't want to see me anymore. You were holding my hand, but I didn't know what it meant."  
  
"Why do you always look away whenever it's something important, Hikaru?" I became annoyed and tears ran down my face before I could stop them. "Please look at me!"  
  
He slowly turned his head to me.   
  
"Then, if you thought that, why did you end up here?"  
  
"Because I didn't know where else to go to." He shook his head as he knelt in front of me. Then, he hugged me around the shoulders. "I didn't mean to not tell you anything. I was going to tell you eventually but I wasn't ready yet. And then you asked about Sai and I didn't know what to say."  
  
Why…  
  
Why do you always disappear when it comes to Sai, Hikaru?  
  
I couldn't breathe from the impact of it all, but I was trying my hardest. I lifted up my arms to hug him as I quietly said, "It's all right, Hikaru. You don't have to tell me anymore. I won't ask anymore."  
  
But at that moment, I gulped and let go of him. I stood up and went to my closet to start changing.   
  
I felt as if I had signed something away when I told him that. There would be a part that I would never know because he was too scared to tell me. But I couldn't understand what he was so scared about.  
  
I took off my shirt and put a pajama top on.  
  
What was it, Hikaru? This is killing me more than you know.  
  
"I'll tell you everything someday," you told me with a soft smile on your face.  
  
At that moment, did he understand what I meant after all the hints I told him? It had been two years and four months: Forever.  
  
Would someone be able to share something with me without holding back? And that I would feel comfortable sharing also?  
  
I took off my pants and just threw them into the hamper at the side. I didn't even bother to put the bottoms on as I turned around to find Hikaru standing in back of me.  
  
"What do you mean, 'I won't ask anymore'?" he asked me as he looked at me with confused eyes.  
  
I clearly looked at him even though I felt a knife thrust into me. "It doesn't matter anymore, Hikaru."  
  
I put my hand on his cheek and looked at him. Then, I pulled his shoulder with my other hand. I whispered into his ear, "I don't know who you really are."  
  
I took his shirt and began to take off the buttons. "I don't know the old Shindou, but I know only of the one who is standing in front of me."  
  
Pushing him onto the bed, he looked at me with this hurt look as I leaned down to kiss him on the lips. "If Sai is the cause of our problems, then I'll never talk about him again."  
  
Hikaru didn't say a word as he looked up at me.   
  
I stared into those eyes that reflected back at me.  
  
"No, you shouldn't forget, Sai. He wouldn't have liked that…  
  
"But, do you hate me for this, Aki?" he finally asked me as his glassy eyes watched me so carefully.  
  
Those unsure eyes…  
  
The old Shindou…  
  
"I could never hate you, Hikaru." I blinked and looked down at him with a concerned face.   
  
I felt my heart cringe all over again.  
  
I brushed his bangs away and kissed his forehead. "You don't have to say sorry, Hikaru. Nothing at all. I just have to accept this…"  
  
Tears fell on his face again. I couldn't hold them back. "…this part of you I'll never know."  
  
"Aki…" He kissed my tears as they came down. Then, he kissed me on the mouth.  
  
"Don't look at me like that," I told him as tried my best to smile. I looked at him so deeply that I almost felt like I was dreaming.   
  
"The only important thing is the person in front of me," I told him.  
  
Yes, that was all that mattered…  
  
I just had to accept that I would probably never know, but that was okay.   
  
I just had to persist even more, right?  
  
"Let's go out," I told him as he opened his eyes a bit wide while protesting by saying, "But you just came from the hospital."  
  
I got off the bed and winked at him. "Well, that just means you'll have to carry me back to my apartment, doesn't it?"  
  
"Aki…" His serious face began to break as a smile formed on his face. "You're really awful."  
  
Then, I leaned forward as I pounced on him like a tiger. Just to spite him, I teased, "If you only knew what I imagined about you _before_ we got together."  
  
I laughed as I got up and he grabbed my hand with a worried face. "You're not serious, are you? Even then?"  
  
"You're slow, Shindou," I purred as I went in front of my closet to get a pair of pants.  
  
"Who's slow?" he asked me with a pout as he sat on my bed.  
  
"Try to say that a little bit faster while I'm changing in front of you," I teased even more.  
  
It doesn't matter…  
  
As long as you're with me, Hikaru…  
  
I'll just have to make my own definitions if you won't tell me them directly because you mean that much to me…  
  
At that moment, he grabbed my waistband and zipped up the zipper while poking my belly button. "If that's the case, then I'll just help you with changing."  
  
His smile became a wide grin.  
  
With a deadpan look, I said, "Pervert."  
  
"No, it's called possessive." His grin became even wider.  
  
Then, we went out to walk around the town.   
  
It was a great plan until we found ourselves in front of the subway station and I said, "Where do we go?"  
  
Hikaru slapped his hand on his forehead. "You act like you've never gone around Tokyo."  
  
I blinked at him and gave him a slightly guilty face.   
  
"Gah. You really are just into Go, aren't you?" His boyfriend was a sad, sad individual and the shock on his face expressed it all for me.  
  
"Well, besides you," I honestly said with a sheepish smile, "Then yes, that's correct."  
  
"Aki." He held my shoulders while sighing. "I think you're really smart, but sometimes you just amaze me."  
  
"So, I'm boring." I closed my eyes and pouted while turning around with my arms folded. "Is that what you're trying to say?"  
  
"Why do you always misinterpret what I'm trying to tell you?"  
  
"Well, what WERE you trying to say?" I asked with a slightly higher voice.  
  
"That I'll just pick where we're going since it's obvious that you don't know where to go!"  
  
That comment made me twitch. "So now I've become useless! Hmph!"  
  
"Aki!"  
  
"Shindou!"  
  
He sighed as I firmly kept my arms folded in front of me. I was not going to budge.  
  
I glanced at him for a moment as he shook his head. Then, he pulled my chin so that I would look directly at him. With a power and charisma I couldn't resist, his eyes looked at me with so much intensity. Then, he calmly said, "Would you please go wherever I take you? Is that all right with you, Aki?"  
  
"Okay…"  
  
You caught me off guard again with those wonderful eyes of yours…  
  
I slowly nodded my head as he sighed in relief while holding his chest a bit. Then, he pulled on my sleeve since we never held hands in public. We were still too shy to do that.  
  
And so, he took me to all these places that he went to when he was little. From ice cream shops to the park, he tried to tell me everything he could about himself. I laughed and smiled at his stories as he tried his best to answer the questions that he felt he should answer for me.  
  
I just listened and wondered what I would share with him next time we went out.  
  
As we sat in the subway, while going home, I looked at Hikaru and leaned my head on his shoulder because I was exhausted. He turned red, but didn't say anything. In fact, he put his arm around me.   
  
"I'll never understand you, Aki."  
  
"I should be the one talking," I laughed as I closed my eyes. "Thank you for showing me around."  
  
When we got back to my apartment, I kissed him as soon as I closed the door. Then, we went straight to bed.  
  
I looked at the window, but Hikaru put his arm over my waist while whispering, "Aki, I promise to tell you when I'm ready. About everything. Thank you for being patient with a dope like me."  
  
I pulled his arm and kissed it. I closed my eyes as I answered, "Didn't I tell you how you played was what you were? And that was enough for me?"  
  
What's in front of me is all that matters…  
  
You are everything to me.  
  
That's why I'll wait. That's why I can painfully take anything.  
  
"Yes, but you collapsed because-"  
  
"Because I thought you wouldn't let me have everything," I interrupted.  
  
He kissed the back of my neck. "I never said that. And I will never say that, Aki."  
  
Hikaru held me tighter as he said through the darkness around us, "That's why I struggled so hard to get here. I _want_ you to have everything."  
  
I asked him, "But what is in our way then if we both feel this way?"  
  
With a voice as if he was about to cry, he whispered quietly, "Sai."  
  
Why?  
  
I turned around and hugged him as tightly as I could.   
  
What was this pain you couldn't tell me about? Why does it always make you freeze and grow numb?  
  
But this is a start. You've told me a little about why we are a little distant from one another…  
  
I kissed his forehead.  
  
"Hikaru, stay with me…in mind and body…  
  
That is all that matters to me.  
  
You and I always try so hard for one another.   
  
And so, this is enough for now."  
  
I believe in us.  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Oh, I love how they fight! I think that's one of their best moments because you see them reverse rolls. Plus you see the dichotomy of their personalities as well as their relationship. The serious Aki is now a childish teen while Hikaru seems to be more experienced in the ways of the world while he's the one who usually acts like a kid. 


	11. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: yui doesn't own hikago. Suffering from not seeing the special yet, she has resorted to writing a fanfic. :p  
  
Inside and out.  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 10 – who's thinking of who?  
  
I didn't know why, but my mind suddenly woke up and my body didn't want to get up just yet. I could feel like something was happening, but I didn't want to face the world just yet.  
  
Things were making sense at the same time they weren't so I just wanted to keep this time to myself, as little as it may have been.   
  
I put my arm over my eyes to block out the bright light around me. But because I couldn't go back to sleep as I had wanted, I took my arm off and turned over lazily. Blinking my eyes, I saw a pair of violet eyes staring back at me. They went blink, blink.  
  
"Sai-san?" I looked at him sleepily, trying my best to focus my eyes on him. "What are you doing there?"  
  
"I was just watching you," he said as he looked at me curiously with his hands tugging at the white sheets before him. He looked like a little kid.  
  
Hikaru did that often, and at that thought, I began to smile.  
  
"Where are Maya and Ari?" I asked as I stared at him with a playful expression on my face. I couldn't help but smile at him.  
  
Sai just had that effect on me.  
  
"Your parents have called them," Sai said with a slight frown on his face.   
  
"What's wrong, Sai-san?"  
  
Sai realized what he had done and immediately laughed it off. "I'm just a little tired."  
  
He began to stand up, but I pulled his hand. He sat on the bed and I said, "Why did you tell me to wake up?"  
  
Nervously, he laughed as he tried to stand up, but I yanked on his sleeve too. "You wouldn't want to defy me, now would you?"  
  
Taking up my chin, he smiled sweetly at me. "I would never do anything of the kind to you, Oujisama."  
  
"Then why are you acting like you've realized something and now you're trying to run away from me?" Still holding onto his sleeve, I pulled myself up to sit down.   
  
I was trying to understand this complicated situation. Even though it seemed like there should have been nothing, I felt like there was something deep inside of me that wouldn't sleep. It would always be there unless I did something about it. It was as if I were trying to _purposefully_ forget something…  
  
Leaning closer and closer towards him, I analyzed his features, but Sai turned his head away from me. I didn't know if it was out of modesty, shame, or sorrow, but I knew he was holding back from me.  
  
"I can't tell you why," he said as he tried to pull away from me, but his eyes wouldn't stop staring back at me. "I only know I can't. I know this doesn't make sense at all."  
  
"Sai-san, who are you and where is Hika-"  
  
As I was reaching out my hand to touch his shoulder, there was a knock on the door. I pulled my hand away as Sai went towards the window.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Maya and Ari came in and they both tried their best to smile at me, but I could tell that something was definitely wrong. They eyed one another before coming up to my bed.  
  
Sai glanced behind him to watch them, but then he continued to look out the window.  
  
"Your mother and father would like to see you," Maya said with a troubled voice. Even though she was older than I was, she looked like a teenager, but clearly, the grave expression on her face was giving away her age.  
  
"I will prepare the Go room so that you will use it after your meeting, Oujisama," Ari said as she went over to Sai. She bowed to him. "Please wait with me there."  
  
Almost reluctantly, Sai didn't seem like he wanted to go, but he forced a smile out of respect and etiquette. As they were leaving the room, he glanced back at me with a pained expression as if to say, "Don't let me go with her."  
  
"I don't know what's going on," I said through my eyes.  
  
A flash went through my head and a blurriness confused me as my head began to ache.   
  
"Don't let me go, Akira," I heard Hikaru's voice say to me.  
  
"Hikaru?" I said in a daze as Maya helped me to dress for the meeting with my parents.  
  
When I was done, I walked down the hall and nodded my head at those who acknowledged my presence. I actually hated it and only appreciated the openness that Sai, Maya, and Ari showed to me as a friend rather than as a title holder.  
  
All so trite, and yet all that was held with the position of being the prince.  
  
I bowed and knelt before my parents. "Good morning, Mother and Father," I greeted as I lifted my face from the ground.   
  
Looking up at them, my mother's face looked so strained and distressed despite her calm demeanor. My father was as gruff as ever, but his eyes were upset. No, I could say that they were on the point of exerting anger.  
  
The council at the sides were quiet, but appeared as if they were dying to talk and whisper amongst one another.  
  
I felt like I was on trial.   
  
What the hell was happening with everyone today?  
  
"I wasn't able to address this issue earlier due to all my duties, but now, I am able to do so. Akira, I see that you have taken in a Go tutor. It's quite unusual considering that you usually don't allow that type of thing." My father the King folded his arms at me with an even more stern expression on his face.  
  
"I can learn from him," I told him with a serious face. "I tested him and ended up resigning. He is a powerful opponent and I am fortunate to find someone such as him."  
  
My mother gave a side glance to my father while folding her hands on her lap. She was grasping her hands so much they looked like they were losing circulation. But through it all, her caring facing towards didn't change.  
  
Father was pushing himself away from me while my mother was coming closer and closer…  
  
Why were they divided on such a trifle matter as a Go tutor?  
  
"There are many that would suit you much better, my son," my father was trying to convince me. "We can hold a nationwide search as we did last time."  
  
"Last time?" I curiously asked with my head slightly tilted in confusion.  
  
My headache was becoming a little bit worse.  
  
Father cleared his throat. "What I meant was that was why you didn't want a tutor in the first place. It was because none of them were to your liking."  
  
"Now that I have found one, what is wrong with that, Father?" I blinked at him, at a loss as to why he appeared so nervous about the subject.  
  
"I don't think this teacher is suited for you. That is simply all."  
  
"I think he is and therefore I will keep him." I continued to look at him straight in the eye.  
  
"Akira, your tutor has been here for a month, but I will not allow him to stay here any longer. It is more than I can stand."  
  
With a perplexed face, I was appalled by the absurdity of this conversation. "What is wrong for him to be my tutor, Father?"  
  
"For your sake, my son."  
  
I shook my head. Bowing my head to the ground and then getting up, I sighed. "If you throw him out or do anything to him, I will follow him, Father."  
  
"What?" my father asked as if he were choking on his words.  
  
"I have much to learn from him and I want to learn what he has to teach me. That is all, Father. Please accept my wishes." I bowed again and left as the council members began to whisper behind me.  
  
I went straight to the Go room with Maya behind me.   
  
"I don't understand what's going on, but I don't like it," I commented as Maya remained silent. "You know something, don't you, Maya?"  
  
She didn't say anything as I opened the door to find only Ari kneeling before me with her head to the ground. "Oujisama! Sai-san has gone!"  
  
"What?!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, but then I began to choke from the shock.  
  
The air was suffocating me…  
  
In this past month, I had become so fond of Sai, but there was always something in my way. I couldn't get through…  
  
I fell to the ground as I became a little ball with my hands grabbing my head in pain.  
  
Hikaru's and Sai's voices in unison told me,   
  
"Akira, I'll make the decision for you."  
  
Sai…  
  
You're my only link to Hikaru…  
  
But I don't want to lose you too…  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: AH~! *tears hair out* I really have made this harder for myself. Instead of telling just one story in the modern time, I decided to 'experiment' and put a dream sequence that's congruent to the 'modern time' story. So, it's like I'm telling two different fics at the same time. I find it interesting, but it takes a lot out of me to make them both interesting, but balance them out so as one isn't overpowering the other.  
  
I have plotted the whole story out for the most part and I've come up with a round number of about 11 chapters left. ^____^ So please be patient with me in my effort to keep this inspirational and interesting at the same time.  
  
I thank you so much for your support! It truly has warmed me deep inside and there was even a beautiful fanart ;_; dedicated to me. I just wanted to make a story for Akira and Hikaru that explored their relationship and for them to grow as people. They're from the opposite sides of society, but their goals are the same and they realize that. I am happy you are sharing this experience with me! 


	12. Chapter 11

disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine.   
  
Inside and out  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 11 - Maboroshi. (Illusion.)  
  
That dream, the anxiety attack at the hospital, and my father's phone calls could have happened a millennium ago for all I knew, but it had only happened two weeks ago.  
  
That was the last time I ever spoke about Sai with Hikaru. I never mentioned it again, but it didn't mean that it didn't bother me as the days went by.  
  
Even though he had asked me to tell him about my 'Sai dreams', I decided to refrain from doing so until I felt that he was comfortable enough to explain the whole situation to me. After all, if the genki Hikaru could crumble to tears at the mere mention of this name, then we might as well as eliminate this name all together.  
  
That was the only logical response.  
  
But how could you obliterate the past? You couldn't do that. It was an impossible task.  
  
Sai was an Internet Go player that made me feel all these emotions in rushes that changed every second as my heart beat wild with excitement at playing such a powerful opponent. At first, I thought I was playing against my father, then Hikaru. But in the end, I learned to lose.  
  
When you learned to master Go at a young age, no matter how humble you were, there was that stroke of confidence that told you that you could never lose. It was there inside of you. Your Go would support you in whatever you were supposed to do.  
  
Unfortunately, when you grew a little wiser, you found out that Go could help with so many things in life, but it couldn't help you in many things as well. What was the use of anticipating an opponent's moves if you didn't have a worthy opponent in the first place?  
  
That's what Sai represented to me.  
  
And with that, Hikaru was just as much this to me as Sai was.  
  
I just didn't really notice until now how intermingled they were. Were my theories all correct? But how could that be?  
  
Was my dream trying to tell me that in the first place, or was it just leading me in the way that I always thought? After all my accumulated thoughts and feelings, were they just playing out in a movie inside my head whenever it felt that I needed to experience some kind of answer, even if there was none at the moment.  
  
Maybe there would be no answer at all.  
  
But I had to try. I hated to lose, and especially when there was much at stake.  
  
Knock, knock, knock knock, knock.  
  
"Wait a moment!" I said in response to the knock that indicated that it was him.   
  
I rushed to open the door as he said, "I don't want to do this."  
  
He looked at me with a pout on his face as he followed me to the kitchen.  
  
"You could eat breakfast at your house, you know..." I trailed off as I put a bowl of miso soup in front of him.   
  
"That isn't what I'm talking about and you know it," he answered me.  
  
I stood in front of him. "Well, who was the one who said we should promote Go more?"  
  
"I know I did, but AHH~!" He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.  
  
"Hikaru! Stop acting like that." I sighed as I got a comb from the bathroom along with some gel. I combed through his hair to get it perfect again.  
  
He didn't say another word.  
  
"I know that it is just for promotion, but try to be more mature about it." I poked him on the forehead. Then, I gave him a deadpan look. "You're the one who insisted you wanted to go with me."  
  
He pouted even more and mumbled to himself as I sat across him and drank the miso soup I made.   
  
"What was that?" I lifted up an eyebrow.  
  
"Hmph." He drank his soup, wiped his mouth with the napkin provided, and looked at me.  
  
"Hikaru..." I said with a scolding tone.  
  
Looking sideways, he crossed his arms while saying, "Damn fangirls."  
  
"Aww..." I got up and took our bowls while leaning down to kiss his forehead. "Is that what you're worried about?"  
  
I began to laugh as I placed the bowls into the sink. "There's nothing to worry about."  
  
He gave me an uncertain look as he got up and we left my apartment.   
  
When we were outside, he continued to be silent.  
  
"There's nothing to worry about," I repeated while pulling on his sleeve. "And you're worse than they are!"  
  
"I am your number one fan, Aki." He simply answered and we rushed over to the subway station to head towards the Institute. Hikaru winked at me with a smile.  
  
"Why do you always make fun of me?!"  
  
"I live to crack your serious expressions, Aki," Hikaru laughed as we ran faster and faster. "Your expressions are just an added bonus."  
  
While smiling with knowing eyes, I shouted, "Shindou!"  
  
--  
  
At the Institute, we were instructed to take off our coats in order to get ready for the photo shoot.   
  
Even though I had done this for about a year and a half now, this was still a little new Hikaru. For petty reasons, he decided to become a 'Go idol'. It was for the sole purpose of fending off crazy fangirls who would come up to me and demand a hug. My 'bodyguard' would give a severe Look if he felt that someone was asking too much. All I could do was laugh nervously. On the other hand, the feeling was mutual.  
  
I, first of all, didn't like people touching me. Even my parents knew this. Only Hikaru, much to everyone's surprise, was the only one who could slap me on the shoulder or pull my collar without me flinching an eye. (But boy, he'd have a scolding when we went to my apartment for him invading my personal space in 'public' when he got too affectionate than we were supposed to be. We didn't lead anyone astray about only being best friends and battling rivals in Go.)  
  
I wore a white, sleeveless turtleneck with black slacks as Hikaru wore a black, long-sleeved collar shirt with white slacks so that we would complement one another. After all, we had become the most popular pair for Go.  
  
We took pictures from one corner of the Institute to the other. Then, we hosted an event with Izumi-san as well as Waya-san.  
  
Unfortunately, since my father still wasn't here, Ogata-sensei came in his place. He chuckled as he said, "Official poster boy? Not bad."  
  
I shook my head as I laughed at his remark. "At least I'm not alone."  
  
At this, he simply smiled as he walked around.  
  
It was a lot of work, but at the end of the day, I couldn't move from my place on the floor. The only one's left were Waya, Izumi, Hikaru, me, and some of the organizers, who were at their desks.  
  
We were at the room where all the matches had taken place.  
  
"That was great!" Hikaru said as he proudly pulled on my braid to signal to me how many people he fended off single-handedly for both of us.  
  
"I can take care of myself," I said while clearing my throat.  
  
"Yes..." Then, at that moment, he caught me off-guard and pulled me to sit on his lap while Waya and Izumi were walking around to make sure everything was fixed up. "...but I have to make sure you aren't immune to me yet."  
  
"Shindou!" I yelped as I blushed while looking up to his eyes. "Wh-what-"  
  
I pushed myself away as I knelt to the board in front of me. I cupped my palms over my knees while looking away from him.   
  
"I don't like this anymore, Aki..." he said to me as sighed with a melancholic smile. "I'm not just your friend, dammit..."  
  
I turned my head towards him and said while reaching out my hand to him. "I know, but until we say anything to anyone, we can't predict what will happen. I want this to be less complicated than it already is."  
  
"Why do we have to care what other people say?"  
  
"It isn't that. You know that it isn't that..."  
  
In frustration, he pounded on the floor with a fist. He sighed. "I know. This will affect everyone and everything..."  
  
But at seeing my worried face, Hikaru then lifted up my chin and smiled as he said, "Stop being so shy with me. I'll show you off once we tell whomever we need to. I won't give a damn after that."  
  
I softly smiled back as I nodded while laughing. "You're so selfish."  
  
"If you hate losing, then I hate sharing." Then, he let go of me.  
  
"Oh no, I hate that too," I whispered into his ear. "But only for certain things."  
  
"I'm glad we agree on something once in a while."  
  
Waya and Izumi then came into the room. As they were giving the rundown of everything that had taken place for the day, my mind kind of drifted. We were happy that everything was done, but then, they were interested in all the matches that had taken place.  
  
While they walked around all the boards and their matches, I went through my own. Unconsciously, I blankly went through the motions of the stones clattering like guns in my inner war.  
  
Black. White. Black. White...  
  
Faster and faster, I alternated colors trying to find an answer to everything in my head.  
  
Sai...Sai...Sai...  
  
Hikaru and me...when will we stop pushing and pulling away from one another?  
  
We shouldn't have to care about what other people thought, but we were afraid about the effect it would have on the people it would have around us. So, we were at a standstill, and we didn't know what to do about it.  
  
Tap.  
  
Hikaru, Waya, and Izumi finally stopped to watch what I was doing.  
  
Before I began to play in rhythm to the alternating stone placement sounds, Hikaru said, "Stop playing that."  
  
It was a harsh voice. A hurt one that was incomprehensible to me.  
  
A grave one that sounded unlike the Hikaru I knew.  
  
He sounded as if he couldn't breathe anymore...  
  
Why did Hikaru suddenly get defensive? I looked up at him as I placed a white Go chip on the board.  
  
Hikaru's hands became tight fists with the color on his face draining like running water.  
  
I gently smiled at him, still a bit oblivious to the reason for Hikaru's defensive stance. Looking at the board, I reflected upon the game with a grin still on my face.  
  
I answered Hikaru, "But this was when I knew I had to chase after you."  
  
"Promise me you'll never play that game again." There was a hint of desparation in Hikaru's voice.  
  
It seemed like seconds were passing, but Hikaru suddenly became quiet and Waya and Izumi looked at one another, not knowing what to do.   
  
Feeling that something was becoming seriously wrong, I then turned my head with concerned eyes towards Hikaru. "Hikaru, what is wrong with you?"  
  
Then, my mind and my hands were finally in sync. My face became more and more confused as I looked at the stones before me.  
  
The game with Hikaru many years ago...  
  
But why was the name Sai coming to mind instead of Hikaru?  
  
At that, Hikaru took the Go chips and grabbed them into his hands as if he could erase what was in front of us. He closed his eyes as his cheeks turned red in frustration, but he was too proud to cry.  
  
"Stop playing..." He then turned his head to me. "Stop looking for Sai inside of me."  
  
Hikaru shouted, "He isn't here anymore!"  
  
"Hikaru?" I slowly began to stand up.  
  
Hikaru let go of the chips and he ran out of the room.  
  
For a moment, I looked at the chips, but there was no way I'd let him get away from me.  
  
I'll chase after you wherever you go. You can't get away from me.   
  
Whether it's on the Go board or not...  
  
Again...  
  
I was chasing Hikaru all over again...  
  
"Hikaru!" I shouted as he ran out of the building with me trailing after him.  
  
My body was screaming in pain as well as my heart shutting down on me...  
  
Then, at that moment, he turned around and shouted, "The person you are looking for isn't me!"  
  
Suddenly, I stopped running. My feet were frozen to the ground out of fatigue.  
  
And his words were settling deep within me.  
  
"It was never me, Aki!!   
  
You fell in love with my illusion!"  
  
With that, he turned around and ran further and further away from me.  
  
I started to run after him again, but he was soon out of sight.  
  
He faded out in a blur with the dark, dark night.  
  
tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
author's note: I find it ironic, yet fortunate to find that this is the middle of the story, but is the most important transition for it. 


End file.
